MOVE OVER ATKINS - MAKE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTIONARY NEW SEVENS DIET

This morning I finally plucked up the courage to stand on the scales after a weekend of debauchery and discovered that I have finally fallen below the 80kg barrier. I have spent the last 3 years going to the gym, running (occasionally), playing squash and hiking in a desperate effort to go from 83kg to 80kg and nothing worked. Not a gram moved. Now it appears all that I needed is a weekend of beer, fried food and no sleep.

My theory is that it works on two levels. Firstly the fat in all the fried food forms a protective layer over your stomach lining preventing you from absorbing any nutrients from whatever you consume. Then, after you've consumed enough beer, all the contents of your stomach are expelled (I think we all know what I'm referring to) and you have effectively eaten and drunk for hours with no actual calories being taken in! Then you start the process all over again, usually the next day, although the truly dedicated follower of the Sevens Diet may try to restart the process immediately, as several adherents were seen to do over the weekend.

Now I just have to write a book about it and I'm made!