Tuesday, November 30, 2004

SIGHTS THAT MAKE YOU GO "OUCH"

Just been in the gym.

Heard a hairdryer spring into life in the changing room afterwards and turned round to see who on earth was using a hairdryer so I could avoid them in the future (let's be honest - only one type of man would ever use a hairdryer in a gym changing room - the sort who hang around the weights in lycra shorts but are never actually seen lifting anything (apart from their shirts maybe) ) .

Anyway imagine my surprise when it wasn't someone pouting into the mirror. It was in fact a late middle-aged, bald asian gentleman who was using it.

Note the word bald.

That only leaves 3 possible places he could be using it.

And it wasn't his armpits he was drying with that blast of superheated air.

Ouch!!

(The temptation to include the words "blow" and "job" into this post was very strong but I managed to resist in the interest of family friendly blogging)

Monday, November 29, 2004

THE RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL BLOGGER

Thoughts from Australia...
-------------------------
Every restaurant serves almost nothing except steak, even the "seafood" ones.
It's a big place.
So are most Aussies
They therefore probably should avoid the midriff revealing fashion look.
But they don't.
Yuk. There were some stomach churning sights. Especially after a large steak lunch.

Thoughts from the flight...
-------------------------
a new entrant in the "worst film ever category" - King Arthur. Under no circumstances should anyone ever consider seeing this movie. The 2 minutes towards the end of Keira Knightley painted blue and running around in a cross between a belt for breasts (maybe it was supposed to be some form of medieval bra?) and some form of Olde Englishe bondage outfit in no way make up for the rest of the unadulterated crap that is the rest of this movie.

Friday, November 19, 2004

GREAT SOUTHERN LAND

And so it’s off to sunny Australia for me on Sunday night, sadly for work rather than holidays.

Start with 2 days in Sydney, then a day in Brisbane, back to Sydney for a day then a day in Melbourne to finish off…

I am also toying with contacting my "long-lost" stepsister who I've only ever met twice (last time approx 18 years ago I think) and lives in Sydney. She's now got a husband (South African - they get everywhere!) and two kids which I guess makes me a step-uncle. Have got her phone number from my step-father but not had the nerve to call her yet - it's a bit daunting somehow.

Have fun while I’m gone everyone

SPORT

England v South Africa
-----------------------------
This weekend is one of the few times each year when I actually miss Mud Island. England v South Africa at Twickenham.
On paper South Africa should win, despite their recent loss to Ireland and only scraping past Wales. They are the reigning Tri-Nations Champions, have a settled side and will want to avenge last weeks defeat.
England however will obviously have home advantage and will be determined to prove that last weekends thrashing of the Canadians was not a fluke.
Should be a cracking game, made more tasty by the fact that my (closet South African) wife and I are having dinner with some South Africans tomorrow night, and the game kicks off at 10.30pm. It could get messy come after-eight mint time.
The heart says England, head says South Africa

Wales v New Zealand
--------------------------
The only international sporting event where laughing at the sheep-shaggers could mean either side.
Wales to be crushed ruthlessly (or is that a hope, not a forecast)

Scotland v Australia
-------------------------
Having featured in last weekends top comedy fixture when they scored 100pts vs Japan, Scotland will now be featuring as the other side in this weekends top comedy fixture.
Australia to win by miles.

Ireland v USA
-----------------
Would be top comedy fixture where it not for above.
USA to play bravely in the first half and hold their own, then Ireland to walk away with it in the second half.


Other games

Wasps v Leicester
---------------------
3rd v 1st. Both teams will be missing players through international commitments so both will be fielding a few relatively inexperienced players, but the likes of Dallaglio, Johnson and Back will all be on display. If Wasps win then they move to within a point of Leicester and the race is wide open. If Leicester win then they will have gone a long way towards knocking out one of the few teams that may catch them.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

GENGHIS'ISM

He's back, after an innordinately long period of relative calm.

We were talking about the fox-hunting ban in the UK, then Hilary Clinton appeared on CNN...

"how about we set a pack of dogs on her? Then I could gut-shot her and watch her bleed to death"

Form is temporary, class is eternal.

Monday, November 15, 2004

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME

Weekend Rugby results.

England 70-0 Canada
Scotland 100-8 Japan
Wales 66-7 Romania

Why bother. Full-time professionals versus enthusiastic amateurs. The games are played in front of half-full stadiums with no atmosphere, and do no favours to the minnows who simply have their noses rubbed in the dirt.

It would be much more useful if these minor teams played each other in a mini tournament, so each had realistic chances of winning a few games and so maybe getting some positive headlines back home and help grow the sport domestically.


Friday, November 12, 2004

SPORT

The Northern Hemisphere Rugby Internationals season got under way last weekend, with the Welsh and the Scots both losing (tee hee hee). This weekend England get under way against Canada.

In many ways it's the perfect opening game.

Only 4 of the world cup winning team remain, with Jason Robinson captaining the side. Missing through either injury or retirement are Martin Johnson, Neil Back, Richard Hill, Trevor Woodman, Jonny Wilkinson and Jason Leaonard, and Matt Dawson and Will Greenwood have been overlooked, the former for disciplinary reasons and the latter in favour of Henry Paul, who Hong Kongers should know through his huge contributions to Englands winning streak in the HK 7's.

The team therefore is very raw, with 2 new caps featuring - Mark Cueto on the wing and Andy Hazell on the flank.

Even so England should have way too much firepower for the Canadians mix of amateurs and semi-pros (including such luminaries as Stirling Richmond who plays here in HK for DeA Tigers) and should put 40 - 50 points on them.

I expect a gritty first half of forwards slugging it out then England's strength and fitness will tell in the second half.

Swing low, sweet chariot.....
REALITY CHECK

Last night we were putting together a video tape of the little charioteers to send to the grandparents.

During the editing process some huge fat b*****d kept popping up on the screen.

It took a few minutes to realise it was in fact me.

I can no longer pretend the earth's gravity is stronger here than in Exchange Square, or that the washing machine has shrunk all my clothes.

The evidence was there in front of my eyes.

so from now on it's healthy food and fitness for me until I've shifted about 10kg or so.

If anyone needs me I'll be in the gym (or Lan Kwai Fong or East Central if after 7.00 on a Friday - no need to get too carried away after all).

Thursday, November 11, 2004

CLARIFICATION OF MY PREVIOUS POST

Having had two Americans ask me yesterday whether I knew that Karl Rove had not really made those comments, I would like to clarify that yes, I am aware there were not real comments, and yes, I do know that the purported press conference never happened.

In fact I would like to go further and say that that was the whole point of the post, which was meant to be amusing.

I intend to borrow a tactic successfully employed by American television for years, and shall in future be putting up signs with the words "LAUGH NOW" at the end of any future humourous posts so that American readers are able to easily identify those that are meant to light-hearted and/or funny and react appropriately.

I apologise for any misunderstandings that may have arisen from a lack of clarity in past posts.

I misunderestimated my readership (LAUGH NOW)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

U.S. ELECTION

From The Onion

"The Republican party—the party of industrial mega-capitalists, corporate financiers, power brokers, and the moneyed elite—would like to thank the undereducated rural poor, the struggling blue-collar workers in Middle America, and the God-fearing underpriviledged minorities who voted George W. Bush back into office," Karl Rove, senior advisor to Bush, told reporters at a press conference Monday. "You have selflessly sacrificed your well-being and voted against your own economic interest. For this, we humbly thank you."

Added Rove: "You have acted beyond the call of duty—or, for that matter, good sense."



Sums it up rather well I think.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

YASSER ARAFAT - DEAD OR ALIVE...?

To coin Blackadder yet again...

"I wish he'd make up his mind -- either he dies, or he lives for ever! It's his shilly-shallying that's so undignified."
Study: Women not as faithful as gorillas
2004-11-08 13:04 (New York)


CHICAGO, Nov. 8 (UPI) -- University of Chicago researchers have determined the size of men's testicles has evolved based on the infidelity of women, The Times of London reported.
Researchers led by Bruce Lahn found in promiscuous species such as chimpanzees, competition for mating privileges does not end with sex, as once inside the female, sperm must battle those of a rival to be the one that fertilizes the egg. To maximize their chances of fatherhood, male chimpanzees have evolved huge testicles and sperm counts for their body size.
Among gorillas, however, females mate only with a dominant male, and accordingly, gorillas' testicles are tiny.
Human testicles are somewhere in between in size, suggesting while women are not as promiscuous as female chimps, neither are they as faithful as the female gorilla.
The study was published Monday in the journal Nature Genetics.


No Comment.

Monday, November 08, 2004

ROGER BINGHAM 1968-2004

Was away on business on Thursday and Friday last week. Heard while I was away that a friend from college had died from complications after surgery for cancer. He was 36, rarely drank more than a beer or two, a fitness and sport nut who played Rugby till his knees had no cartilege left and then took up Triathlons just to make certain.

I saw him at the wedding I went to in July and while I knew he had had some health problems he appeared in rude health and on fine form. He was even asking about how to go about doing the Maclehose (as if I'd know).

How can someone who didn't wreck themselves daily at college and was almost overly health-conscious be struck down like that so young when everyone else just sails on, still drinking and smoking themselves into a stupor and doing no exercise.

I've been trying all weekend to get my head round it and I can't. He is the first person of my little circle to die from a disease like this.

I can't really think what else to say, so I shall fall back on quoting the ever-reliable Blackadder (or in this case Captain Darling, who had just been informed he was being posted to the front just ahead of "The Big Push") to sum up my feelings on hearing the news.

"Made a note in my diary. It just says "bugger""

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

OPEN LETTER TO B

B, this weekend the Northern Hemisphere Rugby international season kicks off with Wales scheduled to be walked all over by South Africa and Scotland due to be annihilated by Australia. A quick check of espnstar.com reveals that NEITHER game is being shown.

Instead, during the Wales game, StarSports will be showing Tennis (barely a sport at the best of times) - some competiton called the Masters Series (doesn't that mean oldies past their play-by-date) from Paris,
and during the Scotland game they will be showing "highlights" of a Motorcycling Grand Prix from Valencia which happened ages ago.

ESPN will be showing a repeat of a basketball game and horse racing reruns at the same times.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AT YOUR PLACE? WHO DECIDES THIS CRAP?
THANK GOD IT'S NEARLY OVER...

Never has the world been so split in it's views.

Fiercely partisan supporters of both sides have been trading slurs, accusations, and quite possibly blows.

Most foreigners have been strongly supporting the underdog.

The favourites die-hard supporters don't care what foreigners think.

There has been endless coverage in the world's press, and endless discussion here at U.S. MegaCorp Tower, but finally it's nearly all over, as later today the final test between Australia and India kicks off in Mumbai. Australia are looking for a 3-0 clean sweep of the series (having already won the series, the first time on Indian soil for 30 years) and recognition as the worlds preeminent cricket team, and India playing for pride, and looking to prove to the world they are still a great cricketing nation who would have taken the series to the wire but for a rained off final day in the second test in Chennai.

This morning's news - Shane Warne is out with a broken thumb - great news for India on what is expected to be a turning wicket.

Updates will follow as the wickets fall...

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

NO COMMENT

Boss in town from tonight till Friday so blogging will be light to non-existent until next week.

DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD NEWS?

U.K. Inland Revenue Says Tax Records `Accidentally' Deleted

By Robert Hutton
Nov. 2 (Bloomberg) -- The U.K. Inland Revenue, the agency that
collects income tax, says it has ``accidentally'' deleted the
records of an unknown number of people and so can't say whether the
taxpayers concerned owe it money or are due refunds.
The taxpayers affected are people who left jobs three years
ago and didn't start work again or begin taking a pension, the
Inland Revenue said in a statement. That would include women who
stopped working after having babies, people sent to prison,
students who had left summer jobs to return to university, and
people who had died.
The agency, which has 30 million people on its database, said
it has been unable to recover the records and doesn't know how many
sets were deleted from its computer system. Hundreds of thousands
of people may be affected, said Richard Bacon, a lawmaker from the
opposition Conservative Party, who is calling for an investigation.
``How an organization doing something as important as the
Inland Revenue can be so sloppy as accidentally to delete
potentially large quantities of data is difficult to understand,''
said Bacon. ``Some taxpayers will not have received repayments to
which they are entitled and others may owe money which has not been
collected.''


I left my job in the UK three years ago and didn't start working there again.

Not sure if this is good news or bad news.

Could be an interesting call to the accountant!

By the way if you're wondering why this looks rather odd it's because my Internet Explorer isn't working so I'm using Netscape which doesn't seem to be very blogger friendly

UPDATE - I.E. is back! Hurrah
THE MOTORING SECTION

To the owner of the concourse condition silver Aston Martin DB5 Coupe which is in the Car Park under U.S. MegaCorp Tower....

You lucky lucky lucky bastard.

UPDATE - Just been told he works here at U.S. MegaCorp. Clearly I'm in the wrong line of work!
ELECTION COVERAGE

CNN is now on non-stop here at U.S. MegaCorp Tower. All the commentators keep referring to how this is now a "post nine-eleven" world and how this will impact the voting.

Well I'm sorry but I don't see how that's relevant?

The Porsche 911 has been around since 1963. Why is it suddenly so important?
THE CHARIOTEERS ELECTION GUIDE

For those who may still be undecided as to who to vote for / support in tonight's election, here is a very brief summary of the salient points of the 2 main candidates campaigns.

George Bush
----------------
Will hunt down Bin Laden.
Is George Bush

John Kerry
--------------
Will hunt down Bin Laden
Is NOT George Bush

Sadly I will unable to watch all the converage as I have an urgent appointment with my bed. Will someone please wake me when it's all over.

Happy voting all.

Monday, November 01, 2004

HEMLOCK

Absolutely Superb.

Sums the U.S. election up perfectly. Americans are working themselves into a frenzy and no-one else can tell the difference between the 2 candidates
MUD ISLAND

Yet another reason never to go back (from the Telegraph)...

One man has died after two teenagers carried out a series of "violent and unprovoked" attacks on the South Bank in central London.

At least four other assaults took place within 15 minutes in the early hours of Saturday along a short stretch of the riverside route as people walked home from a night out.

David Morley, 37, a barman from Chiswick, west London, was punched and kicked in the final attack close to Hungerford Bridge and died in hospital from multiple injuries. He had sustained more than 40 bruises. His 29-year-old friend was also beaten.

Detective Chief Inspector Nick Scola, of the Specialist Crime Directorate, said: "People returning home were targeted in violent and unprovoked assaults. Clearly robbery was one of the motives we are looking at, but we are keeping an open mind.

"This is a well lit area and would have been busy with people returning home from the theatre, from restaurants and from the city at the time the attacks took place."

The youths, one black and one white, were spotted with two young women and stole money from two of their victims. Detectives were studying CCTV footage from the area and interviewed 70 people at the scene.

The first attack took place at 3.15am when a 35-year-old man was hit over the head with an unidentified object as he sat in Jubilee Gardens, near the London Eye. Ten minutes later, two men, aged 29 and 25, were assaulted close to the Royal Festival Hall and suffered minor injuries.

At around 3.30am, yards from the scene of the two earlier assaults, Mr Morley and his friend were attacked.

One witness said the youths had also set upon a woman, punching her in the face at the bottom of the steps leading to Hungerford Bridge.

After the fatal attack, the group fled through Jubilee Gardens towards the Shell Centre, headquarters of the oil company.

Mr Scola said: "The unpredictable nature of these attacks means the assailants could strike again."