NANCY KISSEL CASE

A son called Reis?

Definitely guilty.

YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME, I'M PART OF THE UNION....


To - Tony Woodley, General Secretary, Transport and General Workers Union – tgwu@tgwu.org.uk

Dear Sir,

I would like to congratulate you on your decision to take strike action against Gate Gourmet and, by default, British Airways.

I do not for one minute believe the cynics who are pointing out that this is the third August in a row that British Airways has been affected by strike action and are claiming that your members are simply a bunch of lazy shirkers who fancied a few extra days off in the summer, but totally accept your assertion that it is the fault of Gate Gourmet and their “intransigent” management.

I also whole heartedly agree with your support of the “low-paid Asian” workers who walked out on Gate Gourmet and then were sacked as a result, and who clearly would be unable to find any other work in the UK, despite the current unemployment rate currently standing at 2.80%, a level many economists believe is below a sustainable full-employment level.

Unfortunately your action has meant however that myself, my wife, and our 2 children, who were all booked in business class on BA0025 to Hong Kong tonight are now going to be flying on Qantas instead. This unfortunately means that the profits from the flight will now be going to Australia instead of the UK (indeed I see estimates of as high as GBP40 million are being mentioned as the losses BA – and thus the UK - will face from this action) but I am sure it is a small price to pay to safeguard the jobs of the people who put the little plastic covers on top of the boxes of “food” that were prepared several days earlier.

This is also the second time in 3 years that our BA flights have been affected by strike action from your members.

Sadly, despite my whole-hearted support for your position and actions, I actually do have a job which I have to be back in Hong Kong for on Monday, and my “intransigent” management does not seem to understand my support for you and your brothers in arms. As a result this does mean that we will never be booking flights on British Airways again and will in future always use Cathay Pacific or Qantas. I do hope that no other regular passengers are as small-minded as we are being and continue to be loyal to BA despite the repeated problems, as obviously this could materially impact the airline, and hence the number of your members they are able to employ.

Good luck with the struggle comrade.

Yours in Solidarity

Giles

MUD ISLAND UPDATE

Alarm went off at 6.30. It was raining. It's now 9.30. It's still raining.

Still at least it is raining here and hopefully not in Edgbaston. A long lunch in front of the TV in the pub beckons I think.

JOBS

Decision made.

Sydney here we come....

will be there late oct / early nov I think.

Have to make sure I buy a barbie big enough for a turkey.

Meanwhile in London... it's raining again. Does the sun never shine in this place.

TALES FROM MUD ISLAND…

Finally got here on Thursday night. Haven’t had access to a p.c. till this afternoon though (thankfully).

A few observations so far from the peak of the British summer…

It has rained on average every three hours since we arrived.

Longest continuous spell of sunshine so far – estimated 15 minutes.

Highest temperature recorded so far – 22 degrees.

On the day we arrived the biggest security operation since World War II was in force because of the threat of suicide bombings. This included armed police on trians and tubes, and a very visible police presence across the whole of London

On Friday, a black 18 year old man was killed in an attack which left an axe embedded in his forehead in a racist attack while he was waiting for a bus with his 17 year old white girlfriend.

Today, a man was stabbed to death on a bus by a man who he the victim has asked to stop throwing chips.

God it's a dump.

TRAVEL ITINERARY FOR NEXT 48 HOURS (all times are local)

Thursday
8pm - CX to Singapore

Friday
8am - breakfast meeting / interview
9am - meeting / interview
10am - meeting / interview
10.45am - meeting / interview
11.30am - meeting / interview
12.30pm - lunch / meeting / interview
2.30pm - to Changi airport
4.05pm - CX to Hong Kong
7.35pm - arrive Hong Kong
8.30pm - arrive home
8.30 - 9.00pm - shower, change, pack
9.00pm - car BACK to HK airport
11.45pm - BA to London with wife and 2 very small insomniacs

Saturday
5.30am - arrive Heathrow
5.30am-8.05am - wait in Heathrow
8.05am - BA to Nice
11.00am - arrive Nice, collect bags, meet stepfather
11.30am - dep Nice in car for 2 hour drive.
1.30pm - arrive my parents house to be greeted by my mother who will not understand why I am so snappy.
2.00pm - arrested by French police for drowning mother in swimming pool.

I can hardly wait....

JOB AGAIN

I've had a lucky reprieve and Singapore is back in the race....

On tonights flight there, then back tomorrow evening before setting off to Europe tomorrow night for a week off followed by two weeks "working fron London".

All will be decided before my return...

BEAM HIM UP

Star Trek's Scotty dies aged 85

JOB UPDATE

It's now 5.45pm and there is a stony silence from Singapore which means that possibility has probably disappeared.

So it's down to beaches, beers, barbies and bronzed babes versus blair, bombs, bus lanes and bloaters from Essex tottering around in high heels screaming into their mobile phones.

What would you do?

SCOTLAND (with apologies to Mia, who seems to love all things Scottish)

It's a very rare indeed that my mother and I see eye to eye on anything, but I just got an email from my mother who is on her way back from her first trip to the Outer Hebrides (my brother-in-law's family have a place there and my sister is there with her family at the moment).

I quote...

sitting in bloody glasgow airport rain fog mist drizzle i HATE scotland never never to return though majestic scenery getting here but granite grubby restarants grubby people who talk fuunny LONG for civilisation no wonder they all emigrated

(that may also explain where I get my notoriously laissez-faire attitude towards punctuation and grammar from)

there's then some family stuff followed by...

never wiil i venture into unknown terriory again cured for life

raining again and fog give me sweaty london anyday

Well said Mum, though even I am appalled at the lack of the odd comma.

JOBS

So it looks like we're down to....

versus

(that's Canary Wharf for those who don't know it. Note the grey skies)

with Singapore as an outside chance.

Tough choice eh. Beaches, sun, food and wine vs tony blair, bombs, traffic jams and rain. What to do, what to do...?

BBC SPORT | Cricket | Giles relishing battle for Ashes]

Couldn't have put it better myself.

THE SOUND OF SILENCE...

Apologies for the long silence.

I was off on a jaunt and thought I'd post while I was away but I couldn't be bothered.

for the record...

The Lions really were as bad in the flesh as they looked on TV.

Auckland is fun, cold and wet.

Wellington is windy, cold and wet.

Sydney is sunny, warm (even in mid-winter) and hideously expensive if you're looking for property (small clue there for the perceptive among you as to how my job situation is panning out...)

More later....

OLYMPICS 2012

Felicitations Paris.

Vous avez reussi a eviter les Jeux Olympiques.

Je suis tellement impressione que vous avez aussi reussi, au meme temps, a donner ces "Jeux" a votre ennemi mortel, Londres. Maintenant ca sera les anglais qui doivent payer et organiser ce tournament futile, pendant que vous ne devez faire que de prendre le train pour 2 1/2 heures si vous voulez le voir.

Un resultat excellent.

(Veuillez m'excuser si j'ai fait des betises enormes. Ca fait presque 5 annees des que j'ai du essayer d'ecrire ou parler francais.)

THE SPORTS SECTION

Rugby
-----
Lions Kick-off
New Zealand - catch kick-off, pass, run, pass, score try, convert.

repeat for 80 minutes or until those of us who are going down to NZ for the thrid test are sobbing into our Tsing Tao.

Wimbledon
----------
Serve, miss, serve, hit but miss court, repeat ad nauseam or ad infinitum, whichever comes first.

MORE WORDS OR PHRASES THAT SHOULD EXIST. TODAY'S THEME - THE WORKPLACE


BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to worka gain.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

WOODWARD'S SELECTION POLICY REVEALED

VOLVO JOKE

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh to yourself knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But ....







Wait a minute....

(Click photo to enlarge)

APOLOGIES

for the recent silence. It has not been just because of the abysmal efforts so far of the Lions (though that is certainly a contributing factor), but mainly due to employment distractions.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that the boss has asked me to return to London. I have no desire to go back, but the seat I am currently occupying will disappear late this year so continuing in my current vein is not an option. As a result I have been a little distracted. Will update with more on this later, if any of you care...

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT...?

Japan puts whale burger on menu

AUSTRALIAN SPORTING REVIVAL?

In a fine night for Australian sport, all their major representative sports teams managed to avoid defeat last night.

John Buchanan, coach of the piss-poor Australian cricket team (the "Canary Yellows") dismissed claims that this was achieved only by avoiding playing anyone at anything, and stated that he hoped this was the beginning of "the long climb back to mediocrity". He also denied categorically that the Canary Yellows had been due to play an exhibition game last night against Chiswick Bowls and Recreational Club for Retired Gentlefolk but had backed out at the last minute for fear of further humiliation. A spokesman for the Chiswick-based club, Mrs Edna Posthlethwaite, 68, however, claimed that the match had been confirmed in writing, and dislpayed to the media a letter allegedly signed by Mr Buchanan, confirming the fixture.

When told Mr Buchanan was denying the match had ever been scheduled she commented "he's a typical whingeing Aussie" and challenged him to rearrange the fixture with the words "come and try us if you think you're hard enough"

Fat fcuking chance on recent evidence.

POSSIBLY THE BEST WEEKEND EVER....

Good - South Africa 30 - France 30

Better - Otago 19 - Lions 30

Even Better - Brilliant Pieterson sinks Aussies

Best - Bangladesh humble sorry Australia

Even the prospect of the imminent choice between unemployment or a return to Mud Island can't wipe the smile off my face.

MICHAEL JACKSON, HIS SUPPORTERS AND DEMOCRACY

Not an obvious triumvirate I know but this analysis of the Jackson trial makes the very good point that these people have the vote!

More proof, if ever it was needed, that democracy is a foolish and dangerous experiment that is bound to end in failure. Bring back dictatorships (preferably with me in charge).

REASONS TO NEVER GO BACK TO MUD ISLAND - A continuing occasional series...

"Take a shower" says Tube boss

Lovely.

His customers are so revolting they need to be told to take a shower.

And his "service" is unable to offer air conditioning.

Mmmmmmmmm - nice.

(Thanks Mr G - a fellow exile from Blighty)

SPREADING CHINESE CULTURE

Also in the Pointless I see Jackie Chan wants Chinese culture to take over the world by encouraging marriages between foreigners and Chinese.

What a great idea. It's just what the world needs.

More phlegm on the streets

THE END OF THE LINE FOR HONG KONG?

In a world exclusive the South China Morning Pointless reports that there is clear evidence that Hong Kong society is crumbling. Under a headline entitled "Double-lane dicers warned amid flyover jam" they report that during yesterdays rush-hour traffic jams, caused in large part by the rerouting of a large section of traffic on the busiest section of road in Hong Kong, at least 10 cars were seen crossing double white lines to get into the lane they needed to be in.

10 cars!!!!

Crossing a double white line!!!

Where will it all end? We're doomed I tell you. Doomed.

Of course in London it's not unheard of for people to drive over roundabouts, through parks, across central reservations and along the pavement to get out of a jam or into the right lane. And in LA they do all that while taking pot shots at each other.

But here in HK crossing double lines is front page news.

Doncha just love it.

HOW TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY

The woeful states of former U.S. industrial giants Ford and General Motors is well documented. Their market shares domestically and internationally have fallen to record lows, they are losing money hand over fist and have recently been downgraded to Junk Bond status.

But none of that will have hurt as much as this.

Toyota is planning to raise it's prices in the U.S. in an effort to help the American car industry by making it's own cars less attractive. Apparently they want to maintain healthy trade relations with the US and want to ensure the industry remains dominated by Japan and America. As the Amercians are unable to make themsleves competitive Toyota has decided to make itself UNcompetitive.

Ouch.

LIONS 13 - N.Z. MAORI 19

It's not the end of the world, or even the tour, but it's certainly not good news. The loss itself is not necessarily the problem, it's the fact that they were on the back foot for pretty much the whole game, and almost never looked threatening. As Woodward said, the final scoreline flattered the Lions.

They'd better shine this Wednesday, especially as Woodward appears to have picked a pretty much full strength back line (the only possible area of contention for the test team would be Wilkinson or Jones at no. 10), or the whole thing is going to fall apart.

GOD AND LUNCH - PART 2

What a great bloke. What a great afternoon. What a terrible headache I had at about 5.30 this morning. I was definitely feeling nokay when I woke up. Fortunately a litre of water and another hours sleep restored me to a semblance of my former self.

when will I learn...?

WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST

Courtesy of a certain 23 mth old - "Nokay". Brilliant. Why has no one abbreviated "not okay" to "nokay" before? he's a genius!

GOD AND LUNCH

When I was a wee lad, growing up in the wilds of Leicestershire, England's rugby heartland, we were taught that there were two religions. One revolved around some guy with a beard who lived a long time ago, and the other involved 15 rugby players wearing striped shirts, with letters on their backs. There were some great names out there including Paul Dodge, Les Cusworth, Dusty Hare, Peter Wheeler and a young Clive Woodward. In any other team each would have been revered in his own right as the undisputed Lord of all he surveyed. But not in Leicester. At Leicester one man rose above them all and came to be admired as the one true God - Dean Richards. He stood head and shoulders above all others and was rock for Leicester, England and the Lions. This being the days when Leicester used letters and not numbers for thier positions he even wore the letter G on his back. what more proof could anyone need?

Sadly his playing days finally had to come to an end, but fortunately the faithful were not left wandering in the desert for long. Another Leicester player picked up the baton from Richards and went on even further, becoming arguably the greatest rugby player England has ever produced, taking Leicester, England and the Lions to new heights. Under his leadership Leicester won the European cup twice, England won the Grand Slam, the Lions won in South Africa and then, to cap it all, England won the World Cup.

I have spent many happy hours watching him play at Welford Road, Twickenham, Parc des Princes, Cardiff Arms Park, Lansdowne Road, Murrayfield, The Colonnial Stadium (now renamed I think) and Stadium Australia.

And today he is in Hong Kong. Having lunch. With me (and about 1,000 others).

My only concern is that if I get to shake his hand I might either burst into tears or wet myself. Or both.

If anyone needs me after 12.00 today, tough.

REASONS TO NEVER GO BACK TO MUD ISLAND (An ongoing series)

London Underground (NSFW - and you need the volume up a bit)

Thanks Mr Glossy

(And to any pedants and/or lawyers.... yes I know the infinitive is split in the title, and no, I don't care)

LIONS ROAR, THEN WHIMPER, THEN MAKE A SORT OF GROWLING NOISE....

Phew. That was a bit close.

These first few games are just openers. The players are still getting to know each other and they will still be a bit jet-lagged, so no need to set too much store by the scores, but based on what I watched...

O'Driscoll and Henson look handy as a centre partnership, but Darcy and Greenwood are both good players with proven track records. Picking who will accompany O'Driscoll is going to be a nightmare.

Josh Lewsey is looking like a world-class full back and is surely top of the list for that spot come the tests.

Ronan O'Gara is now behind my mother in the pecking order for the Test fly-half berth. He missed several tackles (two of which led to tries for Bay of Plenty), and missed even more kicks at goal. Doubt he'll be getting his boots muddy again for a while.

Martin Corry will be the Lions no.8 after the loss of Dallaglio.

I'LL HUFF, AND I'LL PUFF, AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN....

First of the season is out there....

AUSTRALIA

The recent silence was largely due to a business trip to Australia (and partly due to apathy). Spent a few days in Sydney and a day in Melbourne.

Some observations....

Sydney. Every time I go to Sydney the locals complain there's a drought, then it rains, then they complain it's raining "in the wrong place". What's that all about?

Melbourne. Cold. Why go to Australia and then be cold? What's the point? Why anyone lives there is a mystery. Oh I know all the locals claim it's the cultural capital of Australia but that's only cos it's freezing and/or raining all the time so they have to spend a lot of time indoors. You don't need culture in Sydney or Brisbane or Perth cos you're on the beach all the time.

Farmers. All they do in Australia is moan. "It's too hot / cold / wet / dry. The government should help us." Well why should the government help you? You're trying to grow plants and animals in what is basically a huge desert - a totally unsuitable environment. Of course it's difficult. If you want it to work trying growing kangaroos, or sand, or something else that is adapted to the climate, instead of importing things from elsewhere and then moaning when they don't grow. And why should the governement help you because of a problem you're having that is out of their control? It's the climate - there's nothing they can do and giving you a big fat cheque to tide you over to next year is only going to mean you'll be back with more moans then.

And lastly....

Why do they serve latte's in glasses? It's a fcuking hot drink for christs sake. Serving it in a glass with no handle makes no sense. My fingers look like I've been trying to erase my fingerprints cos of all the burns. All other coffees come in a cup so why just serve a latte in a glass? Every other country in the world has worked it out - why can't you?

Right. I feel better now I've got that lot off my chest.

SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND....

Three men were sitting together in the pub bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from India, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Boom boom...

ROCKY - IF HE HAD BEEN FRENCH...

Link

ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD PLEASE

Can someone please explain to me why SimonWorld (to be referred to from now on as LinkFest in an attempt to provoke Phil at Flying Chair to start moaning again like he did about HarbourFest), which started as tales of an expat and then morphed into "East meets Westerner" is currently being written by someone talking about moving from Iowa to South Dakota - this is nothing to do with Asia and not interesting. I have no idea where either state is (I guess they're probably two of the big, empty square-shaped ones in the middle) and even less interest.

Will you please go away whoever you are.

FARMERS WHINGEING

Small family farms "may vanish"

Many moons ago my parents were friendly with the then president of the National Farmers Union. He was regularly on TV and in the press bemoaning the lot of the farmers and how hard done by they were by the Common Agricultural Policy. What somehow never made the press however was that he would arrive for these interviews in a 1930's supercharged Bentley that had a racing pedigree and was worth probably GBP250,000 (this was in the days when GBP250,000 was a lot of money) .

I'd better not mention his name as he was a referee for me when I was applying for jobs, but ever since then I've treated the moans and complaints of all farmers with huge scepticism.

REASONS NOT TO GO BACK TO MUD ISLAND - AN ONGOING SERIES

Tube air "better than outdoors"

Anyone who has ever been on the London underground will appreciate why the news that it's fetid, rancid air is actually cleaner than that above ground is a cause for concern about London air, not celebration of the air in the Tube.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language - Oscar Wilde

I've just remembered that bizarrely watching Teletubbies gave me one of those "surely not" moments regarding the good old U.S. of A yesterday.

You know how when you put a DVD on (any DVD, not just teletubbies) you get a really annoying menu screen which takes ages to load and has a whole load of options when all you want the damn thing to do is play? Well you get that with Teletubbies too (unless you're a parent you will have no concepot of just how annoying the Teletubbies version is). So I put the DVD on last night and was presented with said screen. One of the options is language selection.

Well I had a moment of inspiration. I though given our little lad is still getting to grips with English, I could put it onto say Mandarin, or French, or Spanish or some such and get him going on those. He'll never notice and will be speaking a different language without even knowing it. Clever eh.

So I scrolled to language selection and hit enter.

What I hadn't realised is that out Teletubbies DVD came from the American shop at Fenwick Pier, and so is very very American.

When the language screen came up I was presented with two options. There was a picture of an American flag and.....

wait for it....

not the Spanish flag you might expect given the huge hispanic population of the US but....

the Canadian Flag!

In a moment of lunacy I thought maybe it might be French so I clicked on it, but no..... it is in English again, only with an even sillier accent than the American version.

Do Americans really think Canadian is a foreign language?

I have a horrible feeling the answer is Yes

Germaine - I look forward to your thoughts on this

KYLIE

Nooooooooooooooooo!

BARNEY v TELETUBBIES

What a marvellous weekend. Happy Birthday Buddha and many thanks for making your birthday a monday this year.

I spent the weekend in the bosom of my family, which, of necessity when that family includes a 21 month old and a 9 month old, means that some time was spent in front of the TV attempting to instill some much-needed peace into proceedings with a few Barney and Teletubby DVDs.

It was at the end of one of these shows, while I was wondering why no one had punched Barney in the face, that it suddenly occurred to me that Hollywood is missing out on some great potential.

Following along from all the recent translations of kids cartoons and TV shows into movies, Spiderman, X-Men, The Hulk, Thunderbirds etc surely it is only a mater of time until Barney and the Teletubbies make it to the big screen. Of course young kids wouldn’t be able to go on their own to see these movies, and there is no way any sane adult is going to take them (a 30 minute video is painful enough already), so instead of making it some twee kiddsy type thing how about pitching it at the poor parents who have to suffer through these things and making it something they would enjoy – i.e. along the lines oif Alien vs Predator except with Barney and his sidekicks, Baby Bop and the alarmingly named BJ vs the Teletubbies.

You could arm Tinky Winky with an AK-47 for example instead of a very dubious handbag, and Po’s scooter could be traded for an F-15 fighter. Baby Bop could trade her yellow blankie in for a flame thrower, or a surface-to-surface missile launcher. Barney could learn a few Matrix style martial arts type moves. The options are endless.

It could be a great action movie, and hopefully the scriptwriters could engineer it so we have the gratifying sight at the end of all of protagonists dismembered and very very dead.

THE WHINGERS ARE AT IT AGAIN

The same people who killed off HarbourFest with their sniping and prevented it from becoming an annual event are now whingeing that Hong Kong should not build a new multipurpose stadium on the site of the old Kai Tak airport

According to one... "Given the 40,000 seat stadium in Causeway Bay is full for exactly 3 days a year, it's hard to see why Hong Kong needs a 70,000 seat stadium at Kai Tak." while the whinger-in-chief, Phil over at Flying Chair (which for some reason I seem unable to link to) complains that it'll cost "HK$3900 each. I only wish I had that spare right now." (http://www.flyingchair.net/story.php?storyID=1258)

What a load of crap.

The reason the current stadium is rarely used is that it was designed as a sports venue and so is unsuitable for concerts etc. It is also uncovered and in the middle of a residential area. Kai Tak is not a residential area and the proposed stadium will have a retractable roof to keep noise in. It will therefore be possible to use it much more for both sporting and music events.

Phil if you really can't spare HK$3,900 then a) you probably aren't a taxpayer in the first place in which case it is costing you nothing, and b) perhaps you could sell one of the expensive cameras you lug around with you everywhere so that you can delight with us all photos of your breakfast(http://www.flyingchair.net/trackback.php?storyID=1118).

Lastly, and most importantly, if they build a new stadium then the government can sell the current So Kan Po site to a property developer for a squillion dollars and make money out of the deal.

Think it through boys.

TIGERS V WASPS...

...this weekend in the Zurich premiership final.

And it's not on anywhere!

AAAAAAAGGGGHHH

TRAVEL ADVISORY - SEOUL/KOREA

Don't.

DAWN OF THE DEAD

Seeing this post over at Wanbro made me wonder...

What is it with people and the dawn?

Everywhere you go some git is trying to get you up at 3am to go to the top of some mountain / temple / up in a hot air balloon / on the back of a camel to see the dawn break over a valley / a mountain / a canyon / a temple / herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain. (* delete as applicable)

Why. It's dawn for God's sake. That means that a) it's fcuking early and I'm on holiday so why would I get up early? That's what I'm on holiday to avoid, and b) it's the same as sunset, only the light is on the other side of whatever it is you're looking at.

So go see the same things at sunset instead. Not only is it a much more civilised time, but people don't look at you quite so oddly when you produce a bottle of something medicinal and proceed to have a few sundowners.

"STRIPPING IS ART"

May 4 (Bloomberg) -- Diamond Go Go Bar, a Norwegian bar with
exotic dancers, doesn't have to pay value-added tax on entrance
fees as stripping has been included in a tax exemption covering
ballet and other types of dance performances, Aftenposten
reported, citing court documents.
The bar in downtown Oslo won't have to pay a 1 million-krone
(US$159,500) tax claim because the Oslo City Court concluded that
stripping is an art form in line with ballet, the newspaper said.
``It's well known that that at certain venues, especially
abroad, one may see exceptionally beautiful artists, who move
graciously to music, and who with sensuous movements gradually
undress, giving many restaurant guests a very good experience,''
the newspaper cited the court as saying.

This means that Wan Chai is in fact the artistic hub of Hong Kong, and Cultureport is unnecessary before it's been built.

Also I know what my reply will be next time Mrs C, a ballet fan, suggests an evening of culture...

THE UNACCEPTABLE FACE OF CAPITALISM

Save Toby

I wish I'd thought of that.

I like rabbit stew too.

ANZAC DAY

Has anyone else noticed that the Aussies keep very quiet about the fact that over twice as many Brits died at Gallipoli as Aussies? 21,000 vs 9,000 apparently.

PERHAPS ESPNSTAR WERE RIGHT AFTER ALL

I went to Delaneys and watched the game on Sunday night.

Oh dear oh dear.

Leicester only have themseves to blame.

They let in a soft try after only two minutes, then dominated the rest of the first half but contirved to drop the ball three times with the try line beckoning, and could only manage to score three penalties to go in at half time 10-9 down.

In the second half play was much more even but the crucial first try of the half went to Toulouse. It was a great try if you ignore the fact that the final pass was clearly forward. Sadly that left Leicester eigth points adrift and playing catch-up rugby, which always leaves a side vulnerable as they have to commit all to attack and leave their defence exposed. Sure enough, after an exchange of penalties, Toulouse scored another try to stretch their lead further and it was all over. A consolation try in the final minute for Leicester made the scoreline slightly less embarrassing but in the end we had the chances to win and just didn't take them. Against opposition like Toulouse you can't afford to do that.

And merci to the Frenchman who bought me a consolation beer. Your Toulouse accent was so thick, and my French so rusty, that I could barely understand a word you said but the beer was much appreciated, and needed.

Next year...

THE MOTORING SECTION

Hmmmmm - the thread below is currently on AsiaXpat under the "practical" listing


saab convertible servicing
Posted by georgette (20 hrs ago)

Any good recommendations for a mechanic that specializes in Saabs, not just the engine but the soft top as well. Perferrably on the HK side.Many thanks.


Posted by Royleung (19 hrs ago)

yeshttp://www.triplerichmotors.com/


Posted by fpmr (59 mins ago)

yes HP Cars, expat qualified staff-not only mechanics, but auto electricians (that's what you need for your roof)located in Chai Wan -25580222 ask for Hamish. They do all makes of cars.

Fumier - What do you think we should recommend she does with her Saab?

ESPNSTAR ARE CRAP RANT

So here we are – Heineken European Cup Semi-final weekend is upon us, and 2 cracking games of Rugby are in store.

On Saturday we have an all French tie - Stade Francais vs Biarritz in Paris at Parc des Princes. As of Thursdday nightnearly 40,000 tickets had been sold for the game.

On Sunday we have Leicester (the sole remaining non-French team, and 2 time winners of the Cup) vs Toulouse (also 2 time winners) in Leicester, in front of a 32,000 sell-out crowd. Indeed demand to see the game was such that it has been moved from Leicester’s home ground of Welford Road, which seats 18,000 with temporary seating in place, to the Football clubs ground at Walkers Stadium, and it is only the 32,000 capacity of that ground which prevented more tickets being sold.

All 4 teams are bristling with internationals, and are on peak form. Both games will be massive events

Surely games as big as these will be on ESPN/STAR – “The world leader in sports”

Saturday’s game will be a 10pm kick off HK/Sing time, and Sunday’s at 10.30pm

So let’s check the schedules…..

Saturday night –
ESPN – 10pm – Soccer
UEFA Champions League Quarter Final - REPEAT. Not a new game. Not a live game. But a repeat of an old game.

STAR Sports – 10pm - Golf
A REPEAT of something called Tiger Skins Golf 2005. Never even heard of it.

Sunday night –
ESPN – 9pm Soccer
Messina v Inter Milan – LIVE – hurrah – legitimate live sport. Fair enough. Finishes at 11pm though so could show the Leicester game on a 30 min delay.
11pm – Billiards. Higlights (if there are such things) of the San Miguel Asian 9 Ball tour from Jakarta. YOU HAVE GO TO BE KIDDING

STAR Sports
10.30pm – Tennis – a REPEAT of a Men’s semi-final match from the US Claycourt championships at Houston, Texas.

Not a hint of Rugby.

Looks like I’ll be round at my neighbours with their dodgy satellite feed yet again.

Well Done ESPNSTAR

You have truly plumbed the depths in Sports coverage.

Not only can you not even manage to show the Super 12 games live, and they are surely of huge interest around Asia to the large Aussie, Kiwi and South African expat communities, as well as rugby fans from elsewhere, but the semi finals of what is arguably the worlds premier club competition don’t even make it on the the list to be shown at all, even after the event.

 

DENTISTS

Just back from 2 hours lying in a dentist chair while some sadistic maniac armed with a drill and a syringe caused havoc in my mouth.

Top tip for trips to the dentists - take your iPod, preferably with lots of AC/DC and The Pogues on it. Make sure it's fully charged, and the settings allow you to turn up the volume till your ears bleed and the dentist is asking you to turn it down.

And following todays fun, here are a few things you don't want to hear at a dentists...

Sharp intake of breath followed by (to assistant) "Could you please ask Mrs X (presumably on reception) to call my next patient and cancel. And order some sandwiches too please."

"When do you have to be back at the office?"

"Will you have to talk much this afternoon at work?"

"Are you allergic to any painkillers?"

"I think we've got it fixed, but there's a chance...."

and finally, just as you are leaving,

"Do you have any Advil or Nurofen at the office?"

This could be a loooooong afternoon

And I have to go back for more next week.


UPDATE

4PM - the anaesthetic has now worn off, thought thankfully the Nurofen is doing a grand job of holding back the worst of the pain.

BUT - he has made the new fillings too big - I can;t properly close my teeth. Got to go back at 6 for more drilling and grinding. Fcuking great.

Mrs C - please make sure we have all the ingredients required for a HUGE gin and tonic when i get home.

HABEMUS POPADOM

I think a curry is in order to celebrate the new pope

 

A FINAL ATTILA'ISM

Attila is sadly leaving us. He is departing Hong Kong for the cold and wet shores of Mud Island where he has been offered a position at another bank.

But he will not be forgotten, particularly for this gem from last week...

SIMON - Kylie's coming to Hong Kong. Let's see if we can get tickets.

ATTILA - Kylie? Who's Kylie? Is he a singer or something?

You will be sorely missed.

FRIDAY FROLIC

From a reader

Things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who
had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 18th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: No.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere.

BRILLIANT

In the middle of this stream of random consciousness from the Shaky Kaiser is a photo, with no comments against it, that made me almost wet myself

I think we should start a petition to get them to make that TV series. See who does the best blessing, the best communion, who's the most removed from reality...

STUPID STUPID STUPID

When will I learn that Sake contains alcohol and should not be drunk as a beer chaser

NEVER GO ON TOUR WITHOUT A JONNY

so Jonny wilkinson has been left out of the Lions squad.

At first sight this looks like big news, but reading between the lines Woodward is clearly just waiting for him to prove his fitness with a couple of games and then he'll be on the plane.

Stephen Jones and Ronan O'Gara are both excellent fly-halves, and in many areas are probably better than Wilkinson, but he's the team banker. When the pressure's on he's the boy you want in the firing line, and Woodward knows it.

SIGN OF THE TIMES

Today at midday BST Clive Woodward will announce his squad for this summers Lions tour to New Zealand.

In a sign of the times he will be informing the players he has bselected beforehand not by letter, or a phonecall, or fax, or even email, but by SMS!!

Meantime I can hardly wait for the announcement.

And that reminds me. I must get some flights sorted to Auckland. I have some major customers there who are demanding my presence in late June and early July.

WALES

What does it say about the wonder of Wales when it's Prince chooses to spend his honeymoon in Scotland?

GOOD ON YOU PRINCE CHARLES

Excellent news. Prince Charles has confirmed, admittedly unwittingly, that he despises the press. Not surprising when you consider that every thing he does is lambasted by the media and he is often treated as an object of ridicule.

If I was him I'd wait till I was King, then dissolve parliament, reinstate myself as absolute monarch and ban most of the media.

I would then revoke the acts of parliament that gave independence to Australia and New Zealand, nick all their best cricketers and rugby players, and then give them back their independence. I was going to suggest doing the same for Canada but I can't think of anything they have that we would want.

MORE ON SCHIAVO AND RELIGIOUS LOONIES

Fumier points out this excellent essay on George W and his “selective” views on the sanctity of life

TERRI SCHIAVO

Terri Schiavo has finally died 13 days after her feeding tube, which has kept her alive since 1990, was removed.

The case has caused outrage amongst the religious nutters in the U.S. with priests, politicians and even the president all wading in with their "culture of life" logic to quote George W implying that everyone should be kept going no matter what the circumstances.

There are 2 things I don't understand about this....
1. Say we keep feeding her, then her lungs pack up. We would implicity have to put her on a ventilator as she can't be allowed to die. Then her heart plays up. We have to install a pacemaker. Then her kidneys pack up. We have to start doing daily dialysis. Then her liver packs up. We give her a transplant. We could keep her going pretty much for ever. Where do we draw the line? And all the time we keep her going we are using up resources that could be used to help other patients. And remember all this is for a woman that the majority of medical opinion believes to be so severely brain damaged she is in a permanent vegetative state. Which brings me to my next point..

2. These religous nutters all believe in God and Heaven. So why are they so determined to keep a woman alive here on earth in a living hell instead of wanting her to die so she can go to heaven and enjoy herself? Shouldn't they be the ones trying to pull the plug, not keep her going?

An end to drunken phone calls?

LONDON, March 14 (UPI) -- Cell phone users can now save themselves from making embarrassing drunken phone calls with a new service by British network Virgin Mobile.Phone users can now place a temporary block on calls to ex-partners, bosses or anyone else they are tempted to afflict with their drunken lack of verbal inhibition.Before a night out, one can dial 333, followed by the number to be blocked.The service, Dialing Under the Influence, was introduced after a survey found of the calls people made while drunk, 30 percent were to ex-partners.

From Bloomberg.

OO'ER MISSUS

I guess I must have missed this episode of Rainbow, the Childrens TV programme.

(For non 30-something Brits, Rainbow was a staple of Childrens TV in the UK in the 70's and 80s)

BUYING A NEW CAR IN HK…

After a litany of woes with a used (1 yr old when we bought it – through LandRover) LandRover Freelander (company slogan – Worst4x4xFar), including water leaking into the engine block requiring a total engine rebuild, the gearbox being entirely rebuilt, the tailgate window opening and shutting at random, sporadic overheating , whining transmission, excessive road and tyre noise, asthmatic air conditioning and various bits of interior trim literally falling off, the final straw came with a terrible whining noise from the transmission combined with yet more steam from uinder the bonnet. I called LandRover and they agreed to buy the thing back from me. So “The Shed” as it had become known (very unaffectionately) disappeared from our parking space (they had to collect it on a lorry as it was undriveable) and I set out, clutching their cheque, to find a replacement.

The only rule – no more LandRovers!

We have two small children and two dogs, so either an estate car or a 4x4 are the only viable options, and my wife likes the high driving positions of 4x4’s so that is ideally what I was aiming for.

Firstly I thought I’d head down the second-hand route, and off I trotted to the AutoMall next to the Grand Hyatt for a look around. There were a few options which immediately presented themselves – a couple of BMW 3 Series estates (1997 and 2000), a Mercedes ML320 (1998), a few Lexus RX300, and one guy trying to tempt me into a RangeRover. Despite my vow of no more LandRovers I actually succumbed briefly to the salesmans entreaties and climbed into this beast. It was all very cosyt and comfortable. Then he put the key in to fire it up. BONG! “EAS FAULT” flashes across the LCD Display in the dash – Electronic Air Suspension – not cheap to fix. That immediately cured me of any urge to look any further at anything remotely associated with LandRover.

After a bit of consideration I decided a BMW 3 Series estate would do the job nicely. Not too big, not too thirsty , safe, reliable, nice to drive (we had a 3 series saloon in the UK before moving here and it was excellent) etc etc… I wander up to the salesman for the first car.
“Would it be possible to have a test drive in this car please?”
“Do you like the price?”
“Well I think $148k for a 1997 is a bit steep but if the car’s good then we can discuss that”
“Agree price first, then drive”
“But I don’t know what it’s worth until I’ve driven it. Perhaps the suspension is shot, or the brakes are worn out, or the aircon doesn’t work? How can I agree a price before I’ve driven it?
“No drive till price agreed”
“Sod you then” (Actually that bit was muttered to myself) and I stalked off.

Second 3 series estate
“Would it be possible to have a test drive in this car please?”
“Do you like the price?”
This is taking a familiar turn.
“Are you going to tell me I can’t drive it till we’ve a greed a price?”
“Yes.”
time for more stalking.

This time I head towards the Mercedes ML320. He’s asking $199k which seems good for a “prestige” vehicle.

And yes I can test drive it. Hurrah.

In I climb. First thing I notice is that most of the trim seems to have been made out of the cheapest plastic available at the time. Even so we set off. Out of the car park we go, and that’s where the problems start.
Me “What’s that noise?”
Him “The engine”
“All the Mercedes I’ve ever driven are quiet as a mouse, how come this one is so loud?”
“Small engine, big car”
He’s not joking. I try to head up Magazine Gap Road and we do make it to the top, but on the way up any attempt to accelerate by pressing on the right hand pedal are met with huge roars from the engine but no noticeable increase in speed.
“This is hopeless. I’ll be deaf in days. Let’s go back”
“Do you want to try a ML430?” (The V8-engined car) “I have one available”
“Sure”
And off we go. Much, much better, quiet, powerful, refined – a totally different proposition.
“Do you have any service history for the car?
“No”
“Is it a grey import or a Zung Fu car?”
“Import – don’t know where from or who by”
Hmmmm – suddenly I’ve gone off it.

Beaten by the Automall I decide to head to the Franchise dealers.

Mazda first. They have been advertising some used Mazda Tribute’s for a few weeks and sound like a bargain. Similar in size to the Freelander, V6 engines, and these have been used by Mazda’s own managers so service record etc is impeccable. Plus they are asking on $99k!
But oh what a disappointment. Like the ML320 only more so. The noise from the road once you are moving is unreal. The high profile “off-road” tyres roar and the engine whirrs, hums and thrashes away at varying volumes as you press on the accelerator but again with no noticeable change in speed.

Now I decide to start looking at new cars. After all this will be transporting my family about and HK’s used market is notoriously dodgy at best.

So to Toyota for a look at a RAV4.
“Hi. I’m thinking of buying a RAV4 and was wondering if you would have one I could test drive please, either new or used is fine.”
Sorry. No RAV4 in stock. We don’t keep them in stock in Hong Kong.”
“But I’ve seen a few about. How did those people test them?”
“They didn’t. Just ordered and we delivered. Takesd about 3 months.”
“Thanks but I need a car now.”

Maybe Honda?
“I’d like to have a look a C-RV please if you have one and go for a test drive”
“Not here (HK-side). Kowloon only. We have two new cars. But no test drive.”
“No test drive? Why? You said you have 2 for sale.”
“They are new. If you drive them they won’t be new”
I’ve never looked at it like that. Never will again either. I’m sorry but expecting someone to shell out the best part of $300k on a car they’ve never driven is insane.

I can’t believe how hard it is proving to spend a large amount of money in this town.

So to Subaru almost next door…. with very low expectations. Some friends in Australia have a Subaru Forester which they think is great so I decide to have a look.
Higher and taller than an estate, but lower than a 4x4, it falls between the two camps, but is still eminently suitable for the job which it would be doing. First shock – they have one in the showroom! In I go and have a poke about in it, then the salesman comes over.
“Do you have one of these I can test drive please?”
“Yes. You want to try it now?”
“Errrrrr.” (I wasn’t prepared for this turn of events) . “Sure, why not?”
“Wait five minutes please”
Four minutes later, a shiny silver Forester is out front.
In I get and off we go.
This is the 2.0XT model so has basically the same flat-four “boxer” engine as the Subaru Impreza Turbo Nutter car, albeit with a smaller turbo, and develops approximately 175bhp. The engine is also mounted very low in the vehicle. The result is a dull family estate on the outside that goes like the clappers when you get your toe down. And it has 4 wheel drive (AWD in Subaru speak) so goes round corners at ludicrous speeds with grip to spare if you feel like being a hooligan. It’s also pretty quiet, reasonably refined and comes with a 3 yr warranty on everything.

Then things get better…

“There’s something about the interior that doesn’t look like the one in the showroom?”
“Yes – the centre console has been updated for 2005 but the mechanics are all identical. We have three of these from last year which we are doing a deal on. We are selling them for $219k instead of $245k for the ones with the new-look interior.”
“So I can get one of these for $219k and it’ll just have slightly different air-con buttons to the 2005 car? Will it be a new registration or are they registered already?”
“Yes, basically just the buttons are different, and yes it will be brand new registration. The 3 year warranty starts the day you collect it.”
“Ok. Let me think about it.”
…..
“I’ve thought about it. Done.”

I collected the car on Friday night from Subaru, my new favourite company. 48 hours later and I am a very happy customer so far. Everything works, nothing makes strange noises, no windows have mysteriously opened themsleves while the car is parked and locked, no bits have fallen off, there is no pool of oil in our parking space, and no steam coming from under the bonnet. When you've had a LandRover before those are all minor miracles!

One last thing. Our old Freelander has now turned up at the Automall! It now has leather upholstery (it was cloth when we had it) and has I hope been totally rebuilt under the bonner. Even so I would advise all readers to avoid light-blue Freelanders like the plague - especially if the registration is KA 8430

TOP ADVICE

I was watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy the other night (Ye I do watch it voluntarily, and yes I do enjoy it and find it funny. It makes me feel much better to know that no matter how low I stoop there is always someone else out there who is a bigger slob than me). Anyway while watching I heard possibly the best piece of advice ever dispensed on television.

Ted Allen, the food and wine guy, was going through some more schmucks alcohol collection, which was a very sorry mix of cheap and nasty wines and spirits.

He called the poor sap over and offered him this tip....

"Life's too short to drink cheap booze"

An excellent piece of advice which I think will have to become part of my philosophy of life.

THE POWER OF BLOGS

Iran recently arrested 2 bloggers, Mr Motjaba Saminejad and Mr Arash Sigarchi for aiding countrer-revolutionaries and spying (basically they were criticising the regime).

In response, the Committe to Protect Bloggers (yes it does exist) called for a "day of action" by bloggers.

Oooh I bet the Iranian authorities were scared! The prospect of thousands of nerds across the world sitting in front of their computers and doing nothing except setting the heading for Tuesday as "Free Motjaba Saminejad and Arasha Sigarchi" must have terrified them.

Imagine the scene. It's a meeting of the Government. President Hojjat ol-Eslam val-Moslemin Hajj Seyyed Mohammad Khatami (crazy name, crazy guy) and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei are getting a run down of the days agenda. Iraq is imploding on their doorstep and at the same time setting a dangerous (for Iran) precedent of democracy in the Middle East. Europe and America are demanding Iran gives up its nuclear ambitions (Europe using bribery and America using not-very-thinly veiled threats of imminent invasion), Israel appears to be adging towards peace with the Palestinians, possibly creating a secure Israeli state, probably nuclear armed but certainly funded by the US, within striking distance of Iran. Then suddenly an aide run in...

"Hold everything! New agenda. Item 1. Bloggers are holding a day of action against us!"

Hmmmmm. Grow up fellow bloggers. We're just people writing drivel and rehashing other news stories. If i want real news and comment I'll read a paper. The only people who care about blogs are other bloggers.

My advice to you, if you live in a harsh and intolerant regime, is DON'T BLOG! You'll be arrested, possibly tortured and very likely imprisoned, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

To prove the point, Iran promptly sentenced Arash Sigarchi to 14 years in jail.

Clearly they were quaking in their boots!

If you're going to hold a day of action go and burn down a couple of Iranian embassies. They'll notice that. Holding a "cyber-protest" in the "blogosphere" isn't going to do a damn thing I'm afraid, no matter how many get involved.

LINKS

Time to update my links I think. I use the link list really as a way of getting to pages I like to read - i.e. find entertaining and/or informative - so there is no point in maintaining links to pages I find dull and/or sanctimonious and therefore rarely read, so i have updated my sidebar accordingly.

Byebye Ordinary Gweilo

Byebye Phil

I'm sure you don't care anyway

ALIEN INVADERS

Hong Kongers have just woken up to the presence of yet more Alien invaders in their midst. Somehow the presence of their nests in the mid-levels and dotted all over the south side of the island had gone unnoticed for years. Now however the Hong Kong government, led by visionary Chief Executive C.H. Tung and backed by Beijing, is determined to stamp out this menace. It seems the invaders have been here for much longer than anyone had imagined, and many have in fact been here so long that most Hong Kongers have started to regard them as in fact being native to the SAR. Nothing could be further from the truth. Research has shown that these invaders first started arriving in significant numbers in 1841 and 1842 and their presence and numbers have been growing steadily since then. Fortunately they are easily identifiable by their pale colouring compared to native species.

They are also relatively easy to find. The worker drones can be found most mornings on the mid-levels escalator, which they use to descend to Central where they forage during the day for the resources to keep their queen and young fed, while the queens remain in the nest, lying on the sofa in front of the TV, engaging in the bizarre ritual of "coffee" with similarly indolent queens, or ordering around junior female workers who remain in the nest to tend to the queens every need. At weekends, when usually resource-rich central empties out, they can be found during the day on the beaches of the south side of the island, or in the evenings in the areas known as Soho, Lan Kwai Fong or Wan Chai where they gather to celebrate another successful week eking out an existence in Hong Kong.

During the early years of this invasion there were plenty of resources available to sustain both native and “alien” species, and they co-existed happily. In fact many even felt that the new arrivals were a benefit to Hong Kong, as their industrious efforts produced by-products such as wealth, stable government and low tax rates. Now however the competition for resources is heating up, and more importantly, a side-effect of the presence of this alin species in Hong Kong is a grwoing from of dementia known as "desire for democracy". Research has shown that prolonged exposure to the aliens can cause native individuals to develop an unhealthy and unwelcome desire to decide their own fate rather than have it decided several thousand kilometres to the north. Clearly this menace has to be stamped out fast if Hong Kong is to fulfill it's potential as part of the glorious Motherland. Various schemes have been proposed.

C.H. Tung has already launched two major efforts to eradicate the menace.

Firstly he has started filling in the harbour, removing the major reason the invaders were first attracted to Hong Kong. By taking away a major resource and replacing it with concrete he aims to remove a fertile source of resources and replace it with a wasteland on which even the native species would be hard-pressed to survive.

The second part of his plan is to remove the food supply for the invaders. At present most of their nutrition comes from Central, and easy and energy efficient location given the invaders preferred nesting sites in Mid Levels. Tung is therefore attempting to move the nutrition rich feeding planes of Central to a remote and inaccessible location he has dubbed Cyberport. He hopes that by making their daily trips for sustenance at least as difficult as it would be in their native habitats the invaders will leave of their own accord. Unfortunately for Tung he failed to realize that in relocating the food supply for the aliens, he would also be relocating the food supply for native species, and so this plan has so far failed to produce any quantifiable results.

Donald Tsang meanwhile has a different plan. He has noted that the invaders are less able and willing to tolerate energy-poor nutrition and cramped nests. His plan is that the invaders can be driven out by sheer weight of numbers. He reasons that if the native species can be persuaded to up their procreation rate, then eventually the invaders will be driven out as the native species natural tendency to use all available resources and leave behind infertile wastelands will lower the average resource level for all to a level that only the native species can tolerate. An added attraction is that to fund this plan he will be using resources provided by the aliens themselves (a by-product of their endeavour known as “taxes”) to encourage the native species to up their reproductive rate. At first glance it seems an admirable plan, however it is not clear whether Mr Tsang has realized that if he replaces the aliens with the native species then this resource supply is likely to dry up.

It is shaping up to be a battle royal! Will the tenacious invaders hold on, or will the natives succeed in eradicating them permanently.

Only time will tell.

SIX NATIONS / RUGBY

I have seen both the Wales v England and England v France games.

There seems to be a general wailing and gnashing of teeth at the state of English rugby at present. I would like to offer a couple of thoughts....

1. During the first year of Woodwards reign England got thumped by all and sundry as he experimented with his players to find a team that could play the way he wanted them to play. Robinson is merely doing the same.

2. England were 1 score away from winning both games, and outscored France 2 tries to 0 (the measure by which the whinging Aussies and Kiwis seem to measure games when their kickers have a bad day). At no point did France look threatening. Yes we had a bad kicking day and let France off the hook, but experience will help both Hodgson and Barkley in the future, plus in the wings there is not only Jonny Wilkinson but also Andy Goode, who kicked 11 from 11 last weekend in Leicester's 83-10 rout of Newcastle having starred the previous weekend for England A in their defeat of France A.

3. The World Cup is 2 years away. The raw 23 and 24 year olds of today will have 20 caps or more each to their names by the time it comes round and be a totally different prospect to today.

Long and short of it is we are likely to have a rough year, and may well lose again this weekend against Ireland, but I am far from despondent. Wilkinson and Hill are on their way back and will lend authority and experience to a side that I believe has great potential. I agree that at present we are not the side we were, and the Kiwis and South Africans both have reasonable claims to the number 1 slot on current form, but I am quietly optimistic that we have the strength in depth to get re-emerge when it counts as a front-runner.

The future's bright.

The future's white.

AND WE'RE BACK...

Actually have been back for a week but couldn't be bothered to update!

Anyway skiing was great, thanks for asking.

Lots of snow, a bit of sun and plenty of beer, including a cheeky few at the famous Mooserwirt - then 3 days sprinting round the UK doing a family and friends tour (please note family and friends are different categories, and while membership of "family" normally comes with a free membership of "friends" in one case there is definitely no crossover - hi Mum!)

Will be offering a few thoughts on recent events soon, if anyone cares.

APOLOGIES

For lack of posts. It's been very busy at work - lots of customers and enormous fromages in town for a big conference.

I'm off to Europe for some skiing StAnton style for a week abnd then a couple of days in Mud Island doing the friends and family run before returning to paradise just in time the C.N.Y. fireworks

Blogging will recommence sometime around 14 Feb

Be good while I'm away

STUPIDITY

Just when you thought people could not be more stupid....

Tel Aviv (dpa) - An Israeli who taught his pet parrot the name of his mistress now faces divorce - after the bird kept squawking it to his wife.
The wife grew suspicious when the parrot kept greeting her with the strange name, and hired a detective to unravel the mystery, the Israeli newspaper Maariv reported Thursday.
It said pictures taken by the detective were now being used as evidence in the divorce court, showing the husband and mistress in a compromising position - with the parrot right next to them.
The woman might not have forgiven the husband, but she forgave the pet, the report said - teaching it a new greeting. Now, whenever the husband appears, it says ``hello - and goodbye''.

What would possess him to teach it his mistresses name?

And even if he didn't teach it her name, and it just picked it up, couldn't he work out his wife might get suspicious and arrange an "accident" for the bird?

ASIAN TSUNAMIS

In a sure sign that finally journalists are running out of things to write about the Tsunami disaster, the back page of the main section of the SCMP is devoted to a "what if" scenario of a major earthquake near the Philippines generating a tsunami, and it's possible effects on Hong Kong.

It points out that there are no deep-seap pressure sensors or warning systems in the South China Sea and that Hong Kong's geography means the tsunami would gain height and destructive power as it came into Hong Kong and the harbour. There are two professors of something or other talking in earnest tones about how Sha Tin would be devestated (might be the best thing that ever happened to Sha Tin if you ask me but there you go) and the 1st and 2nd floor of buildings on HK island and Kowloon waterfronts would be inundated.

All quite chilling, if highly improbable.

And to be frank I'm not really that bothered because I work on the 48th floor of a building nowhere near the waterfront and live on The Peak.

So nahnahnahnah

iPod

Found one. I reckon it was the last 40GB iPod in Hong Kong. It's charging now at my desk and tonight it'll be loaded up (assuming I can iron out a few pc. wrinkles that have cropped up).

And there are so many accessories I can buy! What a toy!!!

THE REAL ENGLISH DICTIONARY

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words (and leave it to the Post to search for new meanings). And the winners are....

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts

Thank you reader for that...

RANT

Much has been written on various blogs about the trials and tribulations of walking the streets in Hong Kong. Fumier in particular wrote a good piece if I remember correctly.

Well I am just back from a quick lunchtime shopping trip, never the most pleasant of tasks, which was made even more hellish than usual by the walkways being littered with all sort of human detritus. There were deranged old harridans, wandering all over the place like an American sailor (or Shaky) after a night out in Wan Chai, screaming at each other in Cantonese from a range of about 6 inches. There were great long lines of mainlanders, unsure how to deal with the miracle of escalators, and having successfully negotiated their ascent from, or descent to, street level, they were hobbling along, blindly following a woman waving a piece of yellow cloth attached to what appeared to be a stolen car aerial in almost total silence, wondering at the miracle that the Great Lychee is able to provide it’s citizens with electricity 24 hours a day, 365 days a year (unlike, for example, Shanghai-which-will-soon-overtake-Hong-Kong), with only the gentle rustle of man-made fabrics as they walked to give away their presence. And of course there were tourists. Everywhere. Standing stock still in the middle of the pavement and staring upwards in appreciative awe at the sight of the great monuments to mammon that have been constructed everywhere about Asia's World City.

These people are a nuisance at best, and during the lunchtime rush hour, when those of us with jobs to do and places to go to join the throng, they are a positive menace. Then it came to me. Just as I had been forced to nudge an old woman into the path of a bus in order to shut her up and let me pass I saw the light. It is so obvious.

There should be system whereby members of the community who are actively contributing economically to the society should get priority. A little like the congestion charge in London if you will, designed to keep “casual day-trippers” out of the centre of the city at it’s most crowded times.

But instead of forcing everyone to pay, there should be a system whereby those who are gainfully employed, and preferably have an income above a certain level, have a special pass allowing them to walk during peak hours. And then you could extend it further by having “VIP walking lanes” which only people who have paid over a certain threshold in tax will be allowed to use.

Clearly some allowance would have to be made for visitors actually shopping and thus contributing to Hong Kong, so those who can produce receipts for total sales above a certain value in say the previous hour should also be allowed to move freely at these times.

The benefits to this are endless. Apart obviously from clearing the walkways of riff-raff and freeing up space on the pavements for those of us whose taxes have actually paid for the damn thing. There would be a system of fines introduced for people found violating the rules, which would help to fund the budget deficit without the ludicrous idea of a sales tax. And if you make the entry level to the VIP Lanes high enough then in the warped minds of Hong Kong tycoons it would become a status symbol to be seen walking around Central during rush hour, getting them out of their BMWs and Mercedes and onto their feet, promoting health and reducing traffic congestion and pollution in one go.

And finally it would provide some much needed real work for Hong Kong’s finest, instead of forcing them to resort to arresting people who have dropped their doorkeys for littering.

FRIDAY FROLIC - UPDATE - ANSWER AT BOTTOM OF POST

What do the following people have in common...

Tommy Lee
Tim Roth
Britney Spears
Drew Careey
Gail Porter
Davina McCall
Billy Connolly
Steve Tyler
Liv Tyler
Meg Matthews
Christina Aguilera
Janet Jackson

Feel free to leave guesses in the comments section.

Answer on Monday


UPDATE

The answer is.....

They all have a pierced nipple.

iPod

So this weekend I decided to step up and buy an iPod. Off I trotted on Saturday afternoon to Wan Chai Comp Centre. 8 shops later I can only conclude that Hong Kong has run out of iPods unless you want an iPod Photo which i can't see the point of - tiny screen which you can't see anything on and fair bit bigger than the standard one.

Looks like I'll have to wait a while.

TIGERS MADE IT!!!

By the skin of our teeth we're through to the last 8 of the European Cup as one of the 2 best runners-up, thanks to Edinburgh's shock win over Perpignan (the Scots only win of the competition) - and now we have to face Leinster who have been in fine form.

Should be a cracker, though we'll probably never know thanks to the geniusses at ESPNStar and their sports programming. DICKHEADS!

WEEKEND SPORT

On top of the continuing England v south Africa test match this weekend sees the final pool stage games in the Heineken European Rugby Cup.

This has been a particularly crappy day to end a week that started well then went rapidly downhill, but to distract the weary worker bee there are 13 teams still in contention for the remaining 7 places in the last 8 so there should be some really tense games with some major rugby heavyweights (sadly including Leicester) in serious danger of missing out on the knockout stages of Europes premier club rugby tournament.

Fortunately in Asia we have ESPNStar sports - "the world leader in sport" so they're bound to be showing some of these games live right?

Silly me - Saturday night Star is showing old tennis and on Sunday night "classic boxing", meanwhile ESPN is showing recorded Basketball on saturday night and old football on Sunday night.

What crap. Why do we pay for this shit?

I can't wait till more channels and sports see the light and go live direct to your p.c. thru broadband like the south african cricket so I can watch proper sport instead of people patting balls back to each other over a net or trying to hit some little white lump into a hole miles away.

NEW P.C.

Was able to stream into my new PC live TV coverage of yesterdays opening days play in the 4th Test between South Afirca and England.

Worth every penny just for that.

Thanks Shaky

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 10 (UPI) -- To the horror of U.S. nutritionists, the Hardee's fast food chain is reporting higher sales based on its new mountainous 4-inch thick Monster Thickburger.
The burger contains two 1/3-pound Angus beef patties, four strips of bacon and three slices of cheese, and it comes slathered with a glob of mayonnaise and wrapped in a buttered bun. It costs $5.49 and has 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.
While the Center for Science in the Public Interest called it the "fast-food equivalent of a snuff film," top brass at Hardee's parent CKE Restaurants Inc., are crowing about its popularity, the Los Angeles Times said Monday.
"Sales results for this politically incorrect burger have been encouraging," Andrew Puzder, CKE's chief executive told Wall Street analysts after the big burger's introduction in mid-November.
Wednesday, when CKE reported December sales at Hardee's were up 5.8 percent year over year, Puzder credited the burger and "its audacity" for the jump.

But it's ok because I'm suer they all have a Diet Coke to wash it down.

"Fast-food equivalent of a snuff film" - great line. Wish I'd thought of it.

HARRY AND THE SWASTIKA

Everyone seems to be getting their knickers in a twist over the fact that Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi at a fancy dress party.

I'd just like to make 3 points.

1. He has apologised.
2. He's only 20 - we all do stupid things at age 20 (and indeed at still do at well betond 20). Also WWII finished 40 years before he was born, so for his generation the whole thing is "olden days" and irrelevant.
3. He is basically German!

NEW P.C.

Well it's up and running.

Only 2 problems so far.

Firstly I can't get my MP3 player's software loaded as for some reason it's refusing to recognise the serial number. Perhaps this is the incentive to get an iPod?

Secondly, depite specifying a video card and confirming there was an audio card, so we could burn DVDs etc of the kids to send home to grandparents, it never occurred to the builder that I might want a speaker! "You didn't specify it". "I didn't specify it had to be powered by electricity either but you managed to work that out". Anyway problem solved by plugging some speakers into one of the million or so holes in the back.

Lots more still to get transferred over but on the whole a huge leap forward.

????????

Jan. 12 (Bloomberg) -- Oxford University researchers are to torture Christians in a U.S.-funded program to find out if belief in God can help to relieve the pain, the London-based Times reported, citing the scientists involved.
The team won't use traditional items of torture such as the rack used by the Spanish Inquisition, which started in the 13th century; rather, pain will be inflicted by simulated burns under strict supervision, the newspaper said, citing research chief
Toby Collins.
As the pain is induced, the volunteers will be shown Christian religious symbols such as a crucifix or images of the Virgin Mary, to measure neurological response, the Times said.
The scientists want to get a better idea of the way people with intense religious beliefs can withstand pain, the paper said, adding that the project is being paid for by $2 million from the U.S.-based John Templeton Foundation.

Whose idea was this?
Why does anyone want to know this?
How do you inflict a "simulated burn"?
Who would be stupid enough to volunteer?

And surely if they really want to know they could just go to Guantanamo Bay or Abu Ghraib prison and play religious lunatics there?

NEW P.C.

Tonight is the night my new p.c. gets delivered. Thanks to the invaluable help of Shaky it has lots of Gigabytes, lots of Gigahertz, some RAMs, some ROMs, a couple of hard drives, some bits made by Intel, Windows XP, bluetooth, a wireless keyboard, a wireless mouse and most importantly a 17" LCD screen (that's the only part I understand).

Finally our 4 yr old Dell will be put out of it's increasing misery.

Or alternatively I shall come in tomorrow swearing, effing and blinding at how hard it is to get bloody computers to work.

I know which is more likely given my track record.

BLOG AWARD NONSENSE

I am very disappointed that I received no bids for my votes for the Blog Awards Simon was running. I was hoping to make a tidy little sum from some desperate blogger keen to see his feeble offering elevated up the ranks.

Next year I shall offer a fee system - HK$XXX for so many votes. I can go round the office here and vote from lots of different machines, plus there are all the Pacific Coffee etc freebie machines I can use so I hope to really clean up next time as I reckon I can come up with 100 votes for sale if I try my hardest.

Also seeing as there were more categories of blog than you can shake a large stick at I think it is time to add a category for a cruelly under-represented minority - Blogs with 2 word titles beginning with S and W and using a total of 13 letters.

It makes as much sense as some of the other categories (and more than several).

APOLOGIES FOR THE SILENCE.

Just back from a short-notice flying visit to Singapore.

Meanwhile I see Jennifer is back on the market. If I'm honest I always preferred Courtney Cox myself.

FUTILE

Just back from the gym. I spent a bit of time on one of those stairclimber things and, as there’s nothing to do except stand there and mindlessly walk uphill without moving, I was idly looking around and let my mind wander. All around me where people frantically trying to sweat off the excesses of Christmas and new year. It was then that I was struck by the futility of it all.

We invent bicycles so we don’t have to walk or run, and then spend hours on treadmills. We invent cars so we don’t have to cycle and then go to spinning classes. We invent lifts so we don’t have to walk up stairs and then spend hours on stairmasters.

What a waste of time.

On the plus side I do feel as though I’ve earnt tonight’s curry.

ENGLAND V SOUTH AFRICA

What a series so far! Records set in every game.

Game 1 - England win thier eighth cosecutive test match - their longest ever run of victories.

Game 2 - England score 139 in their first innings, and 570-7 in their second. The difference is the biggest ever difference between innings scores by the same team in a test match. South Africa manage to hang on until bad light stopped play early and the match is drawn, leaving England as the only international cricekt team to go through 2004 unbeaten.

Game 3 - South Africa come back strongly and thump England, who bat dismally. In England's second innings the top scorer in no.11 Steve Harmison. to emphasise how feeble England's batting was this is the first time in test cricket that a no.11 has top scored, and apparently only the 7th time ever in all first-class cricket.

Now the series moves to Johannesburg next Thursday. I can't wait!

HAIRSTYLE OF THE YEAR

This year's mad hairstyle of the year award has already been decided. I just shared a lift with a young chinese lady. I reckon if you removed the hair she would be roughly 5ft tall. However if you include what I can only describe as the SuperAfro that she was sporting then she was definitely approaching 6ft.

She looked like the long-lost small female chinese member of the Jackson Five

God knows how she got someone to agree to do that for her.

Or why.

CRICKET

Damn

Still at least I haven't blown a load of cash to go and watch the game, unlike some

Bulgarian's blood-alcohol level astounds doctors

SOFIA, BULGARIA - Bulgarian doctors tested a man's blood-alcohol level five times before accepting it was 0.914 - nearly twice the amount considered to be life-threatening.

The 67-year-old man landed in hospital on Dec. 20 after a car knocked him off his feet in the southern Bulgarian city of Plovdiv, police and doctors said Tuesday.

A breath test indicated blood-alcohol levels so high that police thought their equipment was broken, because the man remained conscious and talked with them.

The head of Plovdiv police, Col. Angel Rangelov, said five separate lab tests taken the same day confirmed the man's blood-alcohol level of 0.914.

A blood-alcohol level of 0.55 is considered potentially fatal.

In comparison, the Bulgarian man's level was more than 11 times higher than the legal blood-alcohol limit for drivers in Canada, which is 0.08.

The man, who has not been identified, was reported to be in stable condition after being treated for head injuries.

Thanks to Genghis for this little gem

THE CHARIOTEERS MOVIE REVIEW

Bridget Jones Diary – The Edge of Reason

The Edge of Reasonable Suspension of Disbelief more like.

Renee Zellwegger famously piled on the pounds for the first movie and vowed afterwards, when a sequel was mooted, that she would never do it again. She then re-read the cheque, sorry – I mean script, and set about the pizza and doughnuts with gusto. In fact I think she may have overdone it a bit this time. Her character appears to have spent the supposed 8 weeks between the end of the first movie and the start of this one indulging in some sort of pie-eating frenzy and now looks positively zeppelin-like for most of the movie.

As for the movie itself…? Well they appear to have picked out the bits that audiences liked in the first one - her hopeless organization skills, her ability to make a fool of herself in her job as a TV reporter, comedy fight scenes between the dastardly Daniel Cleaver and the saintly Mark Darcy, etc - and decided to repeat them ad nauseam, with a Thai jail scene thrown in for luck.

The result is a movie with a fair bit of slapstick, some of which works and some of which doesn’t (I will admit to have laughed a few times, and smiled a few more), and a ludicrous plot. It is sadly almost immediately forgettable.

Truly candyfloss for the brain. All light and fluffy with no substance.

Except for Renee and her pies obviously.