OLYMPICS ROUND-UP

Triathlon. Men’s. Congratulations to the improbably named Hamish Carter (his parents didn’t like him I guess). He hails from New Zealand where it rains a lot, most of the cars are old and unreliable and public transport is non-existent, so I suppose it was only logical that when it comes to swimming, cycling and running a Kiwi would be good. To prove my point another Kiwi, whose parents also didn’t like him, by the name of Bevan Doherty came second. Sven Riederer from Switzerland came third. Clearly there is something about countries with mountains that leads to a natural ability in this “sport” (the women’s winner was Austrian). This strikes me as odd. Surely places like the Netherlands, with nice big flat areas for running and cycling and lots of water for swimming would be the natural habitiat for the people?

Greco-Roman Wrestling. It appears that Wednesday was not finals day as there were plenty more games / matches / bouts / rounds / chukkas / whatever they’re called. Still no wiser as to who has won what (if indeed anyone has won anything yet) but there is still a conspicuous lack of Greeks or Romans among the participants. Actually rereading the “results” it is possible that the following may have won something - a Korean Man by the name of Ji Hyun Jong, an Azeri by the name of Farid Mansurov, a Russian called Alexei Michine, an Egyptian by the name of Karam Ibrahim and another Russian by the name of Khasan Baroev - but then again they may not. It’s hard to tell. Definitely no Greeks or Romans though.

Track. Men’s 200m. Finally some entertainment. Not the race itself, which was won by an American, with an American second and an American third (this result just goes to prove my theory that Americas remarkable gun laws means everyone there learns to run fast at an early age), but the fact that the race started 5 minutes late because of a crowd protest over the absence of local Greek hero and walking pharmacy Kostas Kenteris who withdrew from the games when he realize he might have to take dope tests. The crowd protests and booing afterwards of the Americans where, I’m sure, much more entertaining that the race itself (I didn’t bother to watch it myself as I was other occupied sleeping).

Track. Men’s 400m hurdles. Won by a Dominican. Again proof of my theory that this sort of fence-jumping is dominated by countries which have yet to invent the gate.

Men’s Long Jump. Not sure if this qualifies as “Track” or “Field”, and certainly not interested enough to find out. An American called Dwight leapt further along the sand-pit than all the other competitors. Unfortunately, owing to an unforeseen clash in the scheduling, in so doing he landed on the then Gold Medal placed entry in the Mixed Individual Team Keirin Madison Greco-Roman Synchronised 4x100 Sand Castle Building Competition, resulting in the cancellatiuon of the entire event. This was unfortunate as the event was lead by The Maldives (they have nothing else to do there) at the time and this was their only realisitic chance of a medal in the Games.

Diving. Men’s 3m Springboard. A very camp looking Chinese guy fell into the pool and made less splash than another camp looking Chinese guy. A camp looking Russian was 3rd.

Diving. Women’s 3m Springboard. Ditto men’s except without the camp bit. China, China, Russia. At least with diving there is little chance of doping among the competitors, though I suspect it is rampant amongst the spectators otherwise why would you watch it?

Football. Women’s. Hang on. What’s this? 2 teams? a ball? tactics? a half-time? a risk of injury? Could this actually be a sport? In the Olympics? Alert the press immediately.
Defending Champions the USA beat Brazil 2-1 in the final. I didn’t see the game (I’d rather watch paint dry than the average football match, though I might make an exception for the Brazilian Women’s team, purely to study form you understand) but I will concede this is a sport. The y must have let it in by mistake after a particularly long lunch at Olympics HQ.

Hockey. Women’s. Hold the presses. Another Sport? What were they thinking? And in this one combatants are given weapons and a rock hard ball to play with too. Excellent. Hot favourites The Dutch lost to a ruthlessly efficient German team (I didn’t see the game but it’s safe to assume any German team is ruthlessly efficient). No reports on injuries sadly.

Modern Pentathlon. Men’s Individual. Back in la-la-land again a Russian turns out to be better at a combo of shooting, fencing, swimming, horse-riding and running than a Lithuanian and a Czech. Who on earth dreamt up that combo? Why? Whoever he is he should be dope-tested immediately.

Sailing. Mixed 49er. Perhaps if they made it Mixed 69er they’d generate more interest? I actually do sail myself but lets be honest here, any “sport” you can do with a beer in one hand isn’t really a sport is it, even if it is a civilized way to spend an afternoon. Anyway the Spaniards won this one, followed home by Ukraine and then the no-doubt plucky Brits who were cruelly robbed by the referee / cheating foreigners / funny foreign food / timekeeper / funny foreign water (pick any number of the above) and did not come 3rd because they were not the best there. Clearly that couldn’t be the case.

Taekwondo. The results of this are right up there with Greco-Roman wrestling in terms of clarity. I think a Taiwanese woman won the Women’s under 49kg category, and another Taiwanese won the Men’s under 58kg category, although I may well be wrong. Certainly seems the Taiwanese are good at this though. That must piss the Koreans off. They only got it in so they could guarantee a few medals.

Water-Polo. Women’s. I thought this was up there with windsurfing as a the kind of thing that people only did on a Club Med holidays? Anyway given the final was Italy v Greece and therefore there were probably some extraordinarily hairy armpits and upper lips on display I’m glad I missed this. For those that care the Italians won by drowning 10 Greeks, while the Greeks only managed to drown 9 Italians. Or are those goals scored?

Weightlifiting. Men’s 94-105kg category. Is this still going? I thought this was all finished but sadly not. Russia, Hungary Ukraine in that order for those that are concerned. That is in order of finishing but be prepared for all 3 to be disqualified.