OLYMPIC VILLAGE

Last night while channel surfing I bumped into the Olympics, despite all my best efforts to avoid them. Mrs Chariot likes the Olympics so I gamely sat and watched as some scary Aussie woman shot clay pigeons, some Chinese bloke hit targets with an air rifle, some gymnasts whirled themselves round and round for no obvious reason, and some Asians played badminton and table tennis.

I got to thinking during one of the more tedious than usual “sporting” events on display (can’t remember which one – I went into a sort of trance after about 15 seconds) about the Olympic village and how athletes stack up internally in their countries squads and against each other. Do you think there is a pecking order?

I mean obviously the boys running the 100m will be at the top, strutting around the village like they own the place, but where do the rest fit in? I think it’s fair to assume that the table tennis boys and girls are at the bottom of the pile, sitting in their little rooms polishing their bats while the big boys are out and about pushing weights and comparing biceps, but what about the rest? Would badminton be below synchronized diving? What about rhythmic gymnastics? And weightlifters – they’re pointless but scary, where do they fit in? Alongside the shot-putters maybe? And when it comes to the end-of-games party, when all those free condoms they hand out get put to work., do you think the 100m boys are getting all the girls while the table tennis guys are again in their rooms polishing their bats (never heard it called that before).

And I also thought about the natural tendencies certain countries have towards certain sports. The Aussies are big on swimming because they live by the sea, everyone has a pool and no-one does any work so they all swim all the time. The Chinese are good at shooting because they execute a lot of people so get plenty of target practice, and table tennis and badminton because as far as I can tell the idea of going outdoors is hell to the average Chinese and these are nice indoor air-conditioned sports. The Kenyans and Ethiopians are good long-distance runners because they don’t have cars. The Americans are good sprinters because they have to dodge bullets all the time thanks to the miracle of their gun laws. And this also explains the dismal efforts of the British. Not hot enough for pools, not enough space for lots of tracks, not enough guns to be dangerous, lots of cars. In short, too dull a place to be the best at anything,

These are the thoughts that go through your mind while watching some guy fall into a swimming pool.