OLYMPICS ROUND-UP
I know that for some reason some people seem to care about the Olympics so, as the finals reach a crescendo, I thought as a service to readers I would provide a round-up of results for these final few days.
Women’s Hammer-throw. Some huge ugly Russian woman on steroids threw a metal ball attached to a chain (since when is that a hammer?) further than some huge ugly Cuban woman on steroids
Women’s 200m - a Jamaican woman ran 200m quicker than the other 7 women running 200m
Baseball - Cuba beat Australia at rounders last night. Afterwards everyone had a nice picnic and paddled in a stream, like kids do after a game of rounders. The Americans are still World Series champions.
Women’s 400m Hurdles. A Greek woman jumped over fences for no reason when she could have gone round them faster than a Romanian and a Ukrainian. Perhaps these countries have yet to discover the gate and that's why they're good at jumping over fences?
Cycling. Men’s Keirin (whatever that is). An Australian went pedal pedal pedal pedal pedal while going round and round and round and round and round quicker (or maybe slower - who knows, or cares) than a Spaniard. That must be hard. Beating a Spaniard.
Cycling. Men’s Madison (whatever that is). Again some Australians went pedal pedal pedal pedal pedal while going round and round and round and round and round quicker than other people. This time they beat some Swiss guys. What is it about Aussies and cycling? Can’t they afford cars in Australia?
Cycling (I think). Women’s point race. Russia won this one. No idea at all what it is or why they did it.
Equestrian Dressage. Mixed individual (that doesn’t seem possible). A Dutch person (not sure if male or female – first name is “Anky” if that helps anyone) managed to not fall of his/her horse for quite a long time and in the process won this competition with 79.278 points. Well done. I don’t know what the maximum possible is sadly so don’t know if that is good or bad.
Men’s windsurfing. Mistral Board. A first gold for Israel after 50-odd years of competition. Well done to Gal Fridman who clearly spends too much time on holiday (after all that’s the only time anyone ever tries windsurfing) and couldn’t afford a boat.
Women’s windurfing. Mistral Board. The plucky and heroic Hong Konger Lee Lai Shan (aka San San) was beaten out of the medals by the evil threesome of Faustine Merret, Jian Yin (from the glorious motherland) and Alessandra Sensini. All of them plan to get involved in proper sailing as soon as they can afford boats.
Synchronised Swimming – Women’s Duet. Yes it is real. Yes it is an Olympic event. No I am not going to dignify it by pretending it is any form of sport. No I am not going to tell you the result. I don’t want to give this waste of time any more free advertising than it deserves – i.e none.
Triathlon. Women’s. Well done Kate Allen the Australian born Austrian who beat Loretta Harrop, the Australian born Australian into second place. If you ever need someone to swim a long way, then cycle somewhere quickly and finish off by running a few kms then Kate’s your girl.
Weightlifting. Men’s over 105kg. Hossein Reza Zxadeh from Iran has successfully managed to conceal more steroids from the dope testers than either Viktos Scerbatihs from Latvia or Velichko Cholakov of Bulgaria. As soon as these godforsaken places discover fork-lift trucks this “sport” has to die surely?
Greco-Roman wrestling. Men’s. All categories. I can’t make head or tail of the “results” of this. I’m not sure if the finals were decided or not. I can say however that no Greeks or Romans seemed to do very well, which is odd.
