Friday, April 30, 2004

THE WEEKEND

Tomorrow is a public holiday which means, horror of horrors, no amah for 2 full days!! That means full-time parenting for Mrs Chariot and me, just like they have to do every weekend in less enlightened countries.

Not sure who's more nervous abut this, us or the little charioteer? Look at it from his point of view - suddenly he has 2 complete amateurs with no previous experience looking after him. They really should make parents do some kind of course or exam or something before they let them loose with children.

Anyway apart from that it'll be a little light dog-walking with Rin Tin Tin (Lassie is ill - again - and is off games. That dog is a walking pharmacy.), followed by a lot of loud swearing when she buggers off and I can't find her.

And last, but my no means least, I hope to find time to squeeze in some top-level lying around in the sun doing nothing.

And that will be about it.

Have a good one all.
BLOG V MU.NU.

For some reason I know that lots of people seem to defect from Blogspot to Mu.Nu. for their blogs. I've never understood why as personally I've never had 1 iota of a aproblem with blogspot that a sharp tap on the keyboard with a hammer couldn't fix, but now I have another reason to not move.

Ever since Simon and Breanagh moved to Mu Nu it has taken longer and longer to access their blogs, to the point where I would lose patience and regularly give up. Today however it is even worse. I now can't get into either at all, no matter how long I wait. What's more, even my pc gets bored of waiting and I get a message telling me the session is "timed out".

so sorry Simon, sorry Breanagh - it seems technology has conspired against me reading your contributions (and yes I have tried turning it off and on again, and rebooting)
STILL UNINSPIRED

So I thought I'd post a nice email scam I got this morning instead for your delight.

CALVARY GREETINGS,

I am a preacher with the Seed Harvesters Ministry,and I
will like to get advice from you.I believe the advice I
need is secular to some extent,but do have the patience to
understand my intention .

A few year's ago I was in Liberia where I had established a
little congregation where I preached regularly,but the
civil war escaleted and the church was converted to a
hospital of sourghts.

On one faith full day three Nigerian Soldiers came to me
and left trunks of Money with me and swore to come back for
it. When the war in Liberia intensified I deposited this
box in a security vault in Togo,I was escorted to Togo by
the ECOMOG soldiers who felt the content of the trunks were
documents and never cared to check the trunks,I was air
lifted to England with other refugees then,I stayed in
England and when I was getting fraustrated I returned to
Africa only to dicover that the three Soldiers died in
Battle while the last was decleared MIA (Missing in
Action).

Now I have the fund which is over Eleven Million
Dollars,but it lies in a security vault in a Security
Company in Europe,and I was contacted in a letter by the
security company asking me to indicate if I was in reciept
of the letter as a sign that I am living and still
subscribed for their service.

I am interested in using this money,in re organisation of
the work,so i redirected the consignment to the Europe,to
take it out of my sight.but I need someone who will be able
to use the fund better maybe for charity or something
universally profitable,

I have thought of doing it myself but,my ministry is the
apocalypse and I believe and preach the soon coming of the
Lord which make me not indulgent in reliance on money or
wealth in any form.I also do not have the money that has
accrued on the service and safe deposit of the company that
holds the fund,I will be glad if you have any interest in
the direction of maybe managing or transmitting the fund as
you prefer in your capacity and understanding. Please if
you are interested,i would want you to send me the
following informations:

1.your legitimate name,

2.your contact address,

3.your phone number,

4.your fax number.

with all these informations,i will take it that you are
interested and the beneficiary will be changed to you in
provision of the above informations,and as such you will be
the only one who can lay claims to the fund and then,i will
give you the security code number with which you will use
to claim the consignment from the security company . but i
want you to note clearly that you will pay for the handling
charges before the consignment can be released to you and
you will promise me that you will use the fund for good
deeds. I will be glad to get a response from you to
indicate your interest.

STAY BLESSED IN THE NAME OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST (AMEN)

REGARDS
REV JOHN KINGSLEY

N.B PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL:


(I have deleted his email address just in case anyone takes this seriously. If you really want to give him those details then please send them to me instead, and I shall alert the police that you are too stupid to be allowed out alone.)
TOO BORED TO BLOG

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Thursday, April 29, 2004

MORE BRUNEI

My reader has contacted me and informs me that "Brunei is a shit hole". Apparently it also has a "beach full of sandflies, a bit like bintan".

So that's the end of that bright idea. C.V. back in the drawer.
PUBLIC HOLIDAYS

Just had an email informing everyone in the company that our Brunei office is shut on Monday 3 May "to commemorate the Birthday of Prophet Muhammad S.A.W."

I didn't know we had a Brunei office.

How do I get a job there?
DREAMTEAM

So Leicester Tigers new coach is.... 3 people! That's how many it takes to fill Deanos shoes.

John Wells, the incumbent since Deanos departure, gets the role full-time as reward for his efforts which hae seen Tigers string some good results together. He gets assistance from 2 returning ex-Tigers, Aussie Pat Howard, who was and is a class act, and Richard Cockerill who left Leicester under a cloud having insulted Dean Richards and Clie Woodward in his autobiography - not a clever idea when you're playing for Leicester and England. He was, however, a great player in the Brian Moore mould. And every Rugby fan will remember his famous confrontation with Norm Hewitt as the All Blacks performed the Haka at Twickenham in 1997. That incident prompted the IRB to introduce rules regarding the Haka that mean opposition teams have to remain in their own half, and the kiwis have to be behind thier own 10 metre line. Sad really. This is rugby after all so there's nothing wrong with a bit of confrontation, or as the great Bill McLaren would put it, arrrrgie barrrrgie.

BEER ON WHISKY - VERY RISKY

Beer on Soju - makes your brain feel like tofu

Leaving do at a Korean BBQ last night for a colleague who's off home to our Seoul office.

Not feeling too perky this morning, but no doubt I am doing considerably better than the girl who passed out in the ladies and had to be carried home. She still hasn't turned up and it's now 10.56.

As for the Korean who is leaving HK? He staggered off at about 11 and was last seen trying to get into the lift, only the door opening seemed a bit narrow for him - he kept bouncing off the wall.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

FINALLY - A USE FOR SCIENCE

Over the centuries man has solved many of sciences greatest riddles and problems. We know the shape of DNA and can now map genes, jet engines and internal combustion engines have made the world an easy place to get around, rockets have allowed us to go the moon, radio and microwaves allow us to communicate with probes on Mars, (and cook food really quickly!) X-rays allow us to see through flesh and analyse bone damage, MRI scans allow us to examine tendons, joints and organs without invasive surgery, mobile telephones allow us to communicate with people almost anywhere and at any time, but the ultimate goal has never been attained, the ultimate problem never solved... until now.

Ladies and Gentlemen....

I give you....

THE SELF-CHILLING BEER CAN

Thanks to it's "gizmo" (stop me if I'm getting too technical) the can will cool itself and allow you to have a cold beer anywhere, at any time, without the inconvenience of having to carry a fridge around with you.

Picnics will never be the same again.

Thankfully.
TODAY IS THE DAY

And this time they really mean it....

The most hotly-debated question in world sport will finally be resolved later today, when Leicester Tigers reveal to the world who will be taking over from Dean Richards as Head coach at Welford Road.

Deano left in February so it has taken a fair while to pin down a replacement, but let's hope whoever it is can return Tigers to winning ways, and knock some of the stuffing out of Bath on the way.


TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS...... (As we say at Welford Road)
LULU THE BUSH KANGAROO

CANBERRA, April 28 (Reuters) - A kangaroo named Lulu is to receive a national bravery award after raising the alarm to save an Australian farmer knocked unconscious by a fallen tree branch.

Hobby farmer Leonard Richards was checking for storm damage on his property at Tanjil South, 150 km (93 miles) east of Melbourne, last September when he was hit by a falling branch.

In a story reminiscent of the long-running Australian children's television series Skippy, in which a kangaroo rescued people in distress in the Australian bush, Lulu began barking until Richards' wife came to investigate, said the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA).

She found her husband lying unconscious under a tree about 200 metres (650 feet) from the house, guarded by the kangaroo. Richards was taken to hospital to be treated for minor head injuries.

The RSPCA has given Lulu its animal valour award to recognise the kangaroo's heroic act with a certificate to be presented to Richards at a ceremony next month.

"What she did really was exceptional," RSPCA spokeswoman Jenny Hodges said on Wednesday.

Lulu was reared by the Richards family, who rescued her from her mother's pouch and fed her on bottles after her mother was killed by a car over four years ago.


Aaaaaahhhhh.....

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

DEMOCRACY - PART 2

Sorry - I know I said I'd be brief but a few more thoughts...

In 43 years time Hong Kong reverts to direct Chinese rule. The CCP are obviously going to assume they will still be in charge of China at that time. This meas that if they were to give universal suffrage to Hong Kong it would only be until 2047 anyway, then it would disappear as the HK parliament disappears.

Can you really imagine the CCP allowing people to have a taste of democracy and then taking it away? Can you imagine the publics reaction here to having 40years of freedom and then having totalitarianism re-imposed?

Given the chinese obsession with "social stability" which is trotted out as the reason for pretty much everything I can't imagine them being too keen on the idea mass protests and potential civil unrest.

Therefore....

HONG KONG WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE FULL DEMOCRACY AND UNIvERSAL SUFFRAGE, AS LONG AS CHINA ITSELF REMAINS A ONE-PARTY SYSTEM.

I'm not saying that is right, or wrong, that this is the state of affairs, and you may not like it, but it is the truth. The only way HK will ever have democracy will be to secede from China.
DEMOCRACY

I'm going to keep my comments brief as i'm sure everyone else will be blogging furiously on this too, but my two-penneth worth is...

The CCP are clearly terrified that if Hong Kong were ever to achieve democracy then that would put pressure on their monopoly on power, and so will never allow universal suffrage, no matter how much they have to twist the words of the Basic Law.

At the same time however I doubt we will see PLA tanks on the streets here, no matter how big this years July 1 march is, as that will simply prompt Taiwan to formally declare independence.

Lastly - I hate to say it but I have some sympathy with the view that Hong Kong (and indeed many countries, and not only in Asia) is not ready for democracy.

I have never understood why it is considered a good idea for every moron to have input into who governs. There should be some form of qualification criteria before you are allowed to vote to demonstrate that you understand the election process and what government is able and not able to do. Otherwise you get massive corruption, so prevalent in Asia, as politicians simply buy votes, and a discontented public that doesn't understand why the government can't simply give money out to everyone.

No doubt lots of people will disagree but that's my view and I'm sticking to it.
ANOTHER IRAQ DEBACLE...

The U.S. appointed Iraqi governing council has unveiled the country's new flag. It has apparently been criticised immediately for sharing the same colour scheme as the Israeli flag and having had the words "God is Great" removed.

Why would they choose the same colours as the Israeli flag? Surely no-one could have been that stupid?

Monday, April 26, 2004

TOURISTS

This weekend was the straw that broke the camel's back.

If I have to do 1 more tour of Stanley Market, The Peak, Felix, Ladies Market etc etc I shall be forced to commit murder on a massive scale.

Any who do these people all insist on staying with you for days on end, and then get up in the morning and say helpful things like - "where are you taking us today?" Can't they read a guide book and work out for themselves where to go, and then hopefully go there under their own steam?

Does it not occur to them that perhaps I have better things to do with my weekend than fight my way to the Ladies Market in the deepest bowels of the Dark Side just to watch someone else buy another bloody fake LV bag?

I know they mean well, and it's great to see people, but why do they all switch their brains off the minute they arrive, especially people who have been here before and can fend quite happily for themselves.

From now on only immediate and friendly family (in my family "immediate" does not necessarily mean "friendly", in fact it often means the exact opposite) get the full tourist treatment. Close friends may stay but will have to fend for themselves around the sights, and not so close friends can bu**er off to a hotel and I'll see them for a beer in the evening.

The milk of human kindness has run dry.

Friday, April 23, 2004

THE WEEKEND

It's finally here. As you may have guessed from the higher than average number of posts today, it's not been very busy here today. In fact today has been possibly the slowest work day of the year so far.

So what does the weekend hold in store?

Sadly there are no major rugby games in the UK, not that they'd be shown here by the muppets at ESPN/Starsports anyway, so no need to be nervously checking the BBC for Tigers progress (we could really do with another few wins to get us into a spot for Heineken Cup qualification for next season - would salvage some pride from this seasons debacle).

We do however have some friends of my wifes family staying with us over the weekend. They have stopped off in Hong Kong on their way from home in Luxembourg to Dubai (you'd think Luxembourgers would have a better grasp on geography than that wouldn't you?) so I guess the weekend is going to be the usual tour of such delights as Stanley Market, The Peak, Times Square (for electronics), Mongkok (for some "brands" for the little Luxembourgers who have been left behind) and in the evenings a beer in L.K.F. and dinner in Indochine.

And of course some toast and marmalade before all of the above gets under way...

Anyway - I hope everyone has a good weekend, and Happy rest of St Georges Day to you all.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

Last night I was having a quiet glass of something cold and refreshing in Bar George with a friend, idly passing the time in light conversation and generally minding our own business, when an american lady came up to us and asked us to fill in a questionnaire about intellectual property rights for her thesis. She is investigating the different views held by westerners and asians on the thorny issue of fakes and copies, and was asking westerners to fill in these questionnaires, while a local colleague was asking asians to fill in the same (she reasoned - probably rightly - that a westerner asking about fakes etc might be seen by locals as being a bit of a police set-up so they would clam up).

Anyway we filled them in for her and then had a bit of a chat with her about it. She seemed pretty firmly of the opinion that it was a great evil, was killing off hollywood (and we're supposed to be bothered because..?), the american music industry (and we're supposed to be bothered because..?), microsoft (now that might bother me - there's is the only stuff I can work) and seriously impacting on the sales and profits of major brand such as Louis Vuitton, Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren etc etc...

I must say I disagree entirely with this. The people who buy fakes are, in general, buying them because they either can't afford the real thing, or can afford it but resent the vastly inflated prices charged by top brands for what are, after all, just clothes, bags or watches, and so wouldn't buy them anyway.

In fact, while most of these brands make a big song and dance about stopping the fakes, I think they secretly are quite happy about it. The fact that their products are being faked means that they are in demand, and the people who are buying the fakes now because they can't afford it, might well turn into the guys who replace the fake with the real thing in a few years time when they can. It keeps the name in the limelight, and visible, and makes it an aspirational item.

Basically my view is that as long as no-one is actually physically harmed by an unsafe fake product (and yes I am aware of the whole "fake milk" story that is going in China at the moment, but that is not the sort of fake I am talking about), and a token effort is made to keep the fake business underground, then I have no problem with it.

Then I got home and found my wife had been to the Ladies Market on the Dark Side yesterday and I now had a nice shiny new Rolex Yachtmaster, just don't get it wet! Lovely.
SARS IS BACK - HURRAH

The W.H.O. is today breathing a sigh of relief. After several months when they have unable to find any new diseases which they can use to vastly over-inflate their own importance at the expense of global panic, SARS has reappeared in China. This is great news for the W.H.O. after the debacle over Bird-Flu which failed to really scare anyone (except the chickens obviously).

My advice to the W.H.O. for future scare stories incidentally is to come up with something more frightening as a name than bird-flu. you just can't take that seriously no matter how bad it really is. It just conjures up images of chickens sneezing. Bird-SARS would have been better. Or Avian fever.

Anyway time for the dim-witted out there to dust off their boxes off face masks and give the rest of us something to laugh at.
BREAKFAST

There are many things in the world which the English invented, in which we excelled for a while, but then were overtaken by others(usually, and annoyingly, by ex-colonies). Off the top of my head the list would include soccer, cricket, tennis, railways, invading other countries who were peacefully minding their own business and slaughtering the natives, rugby league (though not union - we still rule the world in that - we just had bit of a rough patch for 20 years or so) amongst a whole host of others. But there is one thing which we invented which I would argue is still the best in the world - The English Breakfast.

Now I should say that I like to think of myself as reasonably adventurous on the gastronomic front. I'm not one of those Englishmen who go abroad and then moan they can't get a decent steak and kidney pie. In general I am happy to eat mostly what the locals eat wherever I am. I have eaten whale, seagull, haggis, crocodile, assorted antelope, ostrich, chickens feet, snake, kangaroo, all sorts of odd crustaceans, and I have no problem with people eating dogs, cats, civet cats, porcupines etc if they really want to (in fact living in Hong Kong and regularly eating suspicious looking noodles and curries means I've probably happily shovelled most of those down in ignorant bliss anyway).

But not in the early morning. That is when your system needs some delicate handling before the rigours of the day begin.

The rest of the worlds breakfasts just don't really do the job. The europeans with their smorgasbord of bits of smelly cheese and yoghurt are not even in the running, the americans have tried to hijack the english breakfast and call it their own (a very hollywood trick) but then bastardise it by adding foul things like waffles and maple syrup in the mistaken belief that quantity is more important than quality, the asians just don't get it at all - I mean how anyone can eat that congee muck at any time of the day is beyond me.

No - The English Breakfast is still breakfast perfection. The combinations of eggs & bacon, and toast & marmalade are still unsurpassed.

But I am a creature of habit, especially in the early morning. Mess with my dawn routine at your peril. And I have my preferences in each of the vital ingredients to a successful breakfast, and do not deal well with inferior substitutes. The eggs must to be large, brown and free-range, the bacon must be good thick back bacon with a good rind, the toast must to be made with brown or wholemeal bread, and, vitally, the marmalade must be Frank Coopers Thick Cut Old English marmalade. Fortunately upon arriving here were able to find all these ingredients (not cheaply it has to be said, but a good breakfast is worth paying for), but over the last month tragedy has struck. We ran out of Mr Coopers finest product and despite diligent searching of Olivers, Great, CitySuper and every Park'n'Shop and Wellcome i can find I have been unable to locate any fresh supplies.

So in desperation I have been trying some alternatives. Firstly there was jam, but that's just too weak in the mornings. There's no substance to it. Then my wife wanted me to try marmite, but that is just horrible. So I cracked and decided in a moment of weakness to try other marmalades. Firstly there was some french muck made by someone called Dalfour which advertised itself as a Rhapsodie de Fruits.... marmalade made with oranges, sweetened with grape juice... YUK. More like Rhapsodie de Merde. They should stick to the things they're good at - wine, cheese, forcefeeding geese and annoying the rest of the world by existing. Then I tried Wilkins and Sons "Tawny Orange" marmalade. It looked promising - right colour, right consistency, good big chunks of orange, but the taste... oh what a disappointment. Bland is the only word that adequately describes it.

But finally I think i have found a worthy substitute. Yesterday I stumbled across Chivers Olde English Thick Cut Marmalade. I was initially put off by the nauseating addition of the "e" to Old but it had been nearly a month since a decent bit of toast and marmalade had greeted me in the morning and I was starting to fear i would never taste it again, so I bought it, and tried it this morning. MAG-BLOODY-NIFICENT. Finally the slightly bitter kick is there to go with the colour, consistency and big chunks of marmalade. At last the world makes sense again. On the way in this morning there was a spring in my step, and no amount of heat, humidity, or aimlessly wandering pedestrians could take the smile off my face.

Later I shall be popping out to buy up all remaining supplies of Chivers Marmalade to make sure this blissful state of affairs continues. In the meantime if you see an englishman wandering around with a slightly faraway look in his eye and a slight smile playing over his lips, it's me remembering this mornings first bite...

Thursday, April 22, 2004

IRAQ

In light of yesterdays insanity in Iraq and Riyahd , which seem to confirm that the main terrorist targets now appear to be fellow arabs, I bring you this very funny but sadly I expect also very prophetic, tale, shamelessly stolen from The Onion, the home of American satire and irony (yes it does exist, but I believe it is on the U.N.s endangered species list).



BAGHDAD—With little more than two months remaining until the American-led occupation force hands sovereignty to an interim government, Iraqi citizens are joyfully arming themselves in anticipation of independence.

"Saddam is overthrown! Praise Allah! Iraq is ours once more!" Baghdad native Alaa al-Khawaja said, as he busily shoved boxes of 7.62mm ammunition beneath the bed in his two-room home on the outskirts of Baghdad. "Now is the time for all citizens to prepare for our nation's glorious future—a future certain to contain wave after bloody wave of sectarian violence."

"Excuse me, now," al-Khawaja added. "I must barricade these doors and windows with sheet metal before the wonderful day of freedom arrives."

Also readying himself is Thaer Abbas, a Tikrit shopkeeper who sells handmade baskets, earthenware pots, and surplus AK-47s.

"God bless the USA! God bless Bush!" Abbas said. "America has delivered our country back into our hands, and soon, thousands of those hands will be raised in anger as mullahs and imams lead the fight over what little remains."

As the June 30 date for transfer of full authority to the interim government approaches, the dozens of political factions that comprise the liberated nation are readying themselves to assume rule.

"Finally, we will have the opportunity to lead our own nation and decide what is best for our people," said Shi'ite Muslim cleric Namir al-Safy. "Of course, by 'we,' I mean the Shi'ites."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he expects a smooth transfer of power, in spite of anti-U.S. violence, widespread unrest, and recent events like the Shi'ite uprising in Fallujah.

"The Iraqi people deserve their long-sought independence," Rumsfeld said at a Defense Department press conference Monday. "We cannot, in good conscience, postpone the transfer of power. That would be punishing all the good Iraqi people for the actions of a few thousand insurgents, militiamen, suicide bombers, kidnappers, religious zealots, and roving armed bandits."

"Iraqi sovereignty will arrive on June 30," Rumsfeld added. "Citizens of a new free Iraq, this is your final warning: Sovereignty will arrive on June 30."

Even as house-to-house fighting continues in Iraq's urban centers, Iraqi citizens said they applaud U.S. efforts to return their country to them so quickly.

"True Iraqis know that our enemy has never been the U.S.," said Hakmed Butti, a Sunni who has been "saving my joy and weaponry" for the day America returns power to his country. "Our enemy has always been each other. It took an American invasion to teach my people that, but I do not think it is a lesson we will soon forget."

Butti said he plans to observe the day of independence at home with his family, in quiet contemplation and prayer for his life in a fortified bunker he built beneath his house.

Iraqi leaders expressed optimism about the future of democracy in Iraq.

"I am certain that this democracy will be a flash point of social and political change," said one Najaf-based Iraqi cleric who asked that his name and the location of the tanker truck he was loading with diesel-soaked nitrate-based fertilizer not be printed. "My followers and I will visit the new government offices as soon as they open, to make absolutely certain that they get our message. Yes, the capitol building will be at the center of the firestorm, as they say."

Shi'ite leader Dzhan al-Juburi said difficult days are ahead, but that the people of Iraq are "not strangers to challenge."

"The path to re-deconstructing Iraq will not be easy," al-Juburi said. "But if we remember to draw on the strength of our people and their massive stockpiles of automatic weapons, then, Allah willing, we will turn Iraq into the country it once was in no time at all."

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

IRAQ CRISIS

2 more countries have announced they will be withdrawing their troops from Iraq. Spain has already said it is withdrawing 1,400 troops, now Honduras is withdrawing 368 and the Dominican Republic 302. Meanwhile Thailand (450) have threatened to withdraw their troops should they be attacked.

This is presenting huge problems for Bush and the American administration. Despite the concerted efforts of the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security Office, they have been unable to find any imported products made by any of these countries which they can use to whip up a bit of jingoistic patriotism by either boycotting or renaming "Freedom (insert product here)". In fact there is some debate at senior levels as to whether Honduras and the Dominican Republic actually produce anything at all. Calls to all 3 countries have not clarfified the situation as they are always answered by a machine informing the caller that the it is siesta time, and to please call back later.
JUST DO IT

Went to buy a new pair jogging shoes last night (i used to refer to them as running shoes but as my age increases and speed decreases I think it's time to admit that really they're for jogging - in fact soon i'll have to call them "brisk walking" shoes).

I thought this would be a simple exercise but apparently not....

The first hurdle was finding any shop that stocks UK size 11 shoes - most seem to stop at size 10 and requests for size 11's drew blank looks at 1 shop and an outburst of giggling at another. Finally ended up in the Nike shop by L.K.F. which stocks size 11.

Then came the second problem. Since when were running shoes so unbelievably ugly? They all seemed to have a multitude of day-glo colours, alarming flourescent bits of plastic, and neon soles (except for 1 pair that actually seemed to have little lights in them - I kid you not). These things must be designed by 4 yr olds on a sugar rush - it's all primary colours and inexplicable bits of foam, plastic or some other man-made substance. It's hard enough trying not to look a complete idiot when you're only going just above walking pace as it is without having light shows strapped to your feet. I mean what's wrong with old-fashioned colours like white? or grey? or black? Bring back Dunlop Green Flash I say.

Or am I just getting old(er)?



I can console myself with the thought that you know what they say about men with big feet.....



they wear big shoes...

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

THERE ARE ADVANTAGES AFTER ALL TO BEING A LEICESTER CITY FOLLOWER...

At least there's no danger of Al-Qaeda loonies trying to do this at a Leciester City game. The chances of the stadium being full at any game are remote at best, and on most games there is enough room for 10 idiots to blow themselves up without hurting anyone else at all.

On the plus side of the plan though, if they had managed to blow themselves up during a game at least it would have made it worth watching because the sport itself is tedious in the extreme, and after all who is going to miss a few Man U fans? There are plenty to go around, and judging from the average crowd at the few soccer games I've been to in the last few years the worlds average IQ would go up significantly if we were to lose a few spectators now and then.

Monday, April 19, 2004

SUMMERTIME.... AND THE LIVING IS EASY....

All across Hong Kong small children were heard asking their parents on Sunday... Mummy, Daddy - what is that big orange thing in the sky? and where has all the water gone?

Yes the sun finally returned after what has to have been the most consistently miserable weather for years. I feel so pale I might as well have wintered in England. Anyway hopefully that was the end of winter, and the false dawn that is spring, and summer is finally here. Typhoons, rainstorms, sunshine, cold beer and locals out in 36 degrees and 99% humidity but still wearing hats, scarves, sun visors and thick woolly clothing lest a ray of sunshine get to their skin and make them turn any colour other than ghostly white.

I think we should start a movement to turn the titles around and dub the locals gweilos - after all they are without doubt the whitest people here.

Friday, April 16, 2004

THE CHARIOTEERS FILM REVIEW

I've been meaning to mention this all week but kept forgetting. I went to the flicks last weekend and saw Starsky and Hutch.

If any of you out there are 30+ and were glued to the original TV series as a kid, as I was, then you simply have to see this film. The car is there, Captain Dobie is there, the huge collars and horrible clothing are there. And as for Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson as the 2 supersleuths, they are simply brilliant. And Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear? Awesome.

It's a very lighthearted, tongue-in-cheek movie - one of the few of recent times which I have actually laughed out loud at - and is simply great if you feel like a non-mentally-taxing trip to the movies.

Unless of course you're too young to have seen the show first time round in which case you'll have no idea what the hell is going on and it'll all be meaningless.

And while I'm reviewing things..

FASHION REVIEW

If you are young enough to not know the original, then you will probably be sitting in the cinema wearing flares, like some of the characters in the movie, under the misguided impression that they are cool. They are not. They also weren't cool the first time around. And those of us old enough to have seen the original Starksy and Hutch are very smug about knowing this. We are all giggling at you as you strut around in them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUIS VUITTON

Tonight is the night that the beautiful people of Hong Kong have been waiting for. Louis Vuitton are hosting a huge 150th anniversary party inside a tent which has been erected on the Tamar Site (where the excellent HarbourFest was held, but that's another story). The tent will have the famous LV logo beamed onto it for the night to make it look like a huge version of one of their famous cases.

The locals love of big name brands and ostentatious consumption means that this is the ultimate event to be seen at. The guest list is a closely guarded secret but I think we can rest assured that most of the canto-pop stars and starlets will be there, along with most of Hong Kongs A-list celebs, socialites and billionaires. Tickets are apparently keenly sought and many a socialites future in the upper echelons of Hong Kong society rests pretty much on securing an invite.

It says a lot about the number of their over-priced bags they are able to shift here that they chose Hong Kong to celebrate their 150th anniversary rather than Paris, which is after all their base.

there are 2 things I don't get about this...

Firstly - why the brand is so popular - I can see maybe a wallet or a purse being nice, and why women might want say a handbag of theirs, but the complete obsession with all their products here mystifies me totally. You can buy LV mobile phone holders, PDA holders, keyfobs, golf bags, shoes, notebooks etc etc... and if you go to Mongkok you can also pick up fake LV kleenex box holders and toilet roll holders if you really want to totally decorate your flat to look like a LV shop.

Secondly - why would anyone, particularly people who are used to the good things in life, want to spend their friday night stuck inside a large tent, decorated to look like a suitacse, which has been set up on a car park, surrounded by tuneless wonders, nice-but-dim socialites and billionaires who probably charge for every word they utter.

I can't think of anywhere I'd like to be less.

(and this isn't just sour grapes cos I wasn't invited.... honest)

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

MOBILE PHONES

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that people in Asia are obsessed with mobile phones. Well here is a story that combines their love of mobiles with their love of superstition and "lucky numbers"

SHANGHAI, China, April 13 (UPI) -- An online buyer in Shanghai bid $1.1 million for a lucky cell phone number from an initial bidding price of only $12.
The deal was closed on EachNet.com on Sunday for 9,000,201 yuan after 70 bids online. The bidding started on March 27 on EachNet.com, one of China's biggest e-business Web sites, China Daily reported Tuesday.
The lucky number is 135-8585-8585, which sounds like "let me be rich be rich be rich be rich" in Chinese. Chinese people traditionally favor numbers with pronunciations similar to words that mean good luck and avoid numbers that sound like bad luck.
This is believed to be the highest bidding price for any lucky number in mainland China. Both the buyer and the seller are from Shanghai but remained anonymous after the deal. It was reported that the seller was an online shoe salesman who collects cell phone numbers as a hobby.
The seller must pay a commission of $2,700 to EachNet.com.


That is US$1.1mil by the way - not HK$1.1mil.

How insane is that?

And what about the seller? A man who "collects cell phone numbers as a hobby"? That is definitely below trainspotting on the list of pass-times, though he's having the last laugh. Please god just don't let him go and buy more numbers with the money. Let him do something useful with it like blow it all on wine, women and dim sum.
THUNDERSTORMS

Why do Hong Kong thunderstorms only ever happen in the middle of the night? In 2 1/2 years here I have never seen one in the day but plenty in the middle of the night, usually during the middle of the week. It's some sort of anti-sleep conspiracy I'm sure.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

POSH AND BECKS

A highly unscientific survey of some random blokes here at work has concluded that, given what a pain in the neck she is, and what a moron he is, it's a miracle he didn't stray earlier!

Anyway there has been much debate in the press as to whether he did stray and, if so, whether Posh would forgive him. It seems she has and to me it's no suprise. When they first got together she was the rich, famous and successful half of the pair and he was on the way up. Now the roles have been reversed. She can't even give records away let alone sell them, while his on and off-field earnings and profile have gone through the roof. She loves the spotlight and the attention, and if she want's to remain in either then she has to stay with him regardless of his little indiscretions, though this episode spotted by Fumier must, if true, have made her think twice!
DEMOCRACY

A vastly over-commented subject I know, but it did occur to me that the current furore in Taiwan, involving mass protests and riots following the recent election there, and the ludicrous claims that the shooting of the president was staged, is only going to make Beijing even less likely to allow any change to the current system here in Hong Kong.

And frankly, if there was a chance the scenes from Taiwan would be repeated here then I'm on Beijing's side. People shouldn't have democracy until they are able to accept the possibility of losing an election as well as winning it.
INDONESIA ADVISES AGAINST TRAVEL TO THE U.K.

Saw this snippet in a side-column in the Sunday SCMP but I can't find it on the web to link to. Apparently the Indonesian government has recommended to Indonesian nationals they should avoid travel to the UK because of terrorist fears.

My first reaction was to laugh

My second was to think, "cheeky bastards"

My third was to think, "hang on, many of these boys are active terrorists sympathisers (if not active terrorists) and are recommending to nationals to avoid the UK, so what do they know about what is going to happen there that I don't?"

Just a thought...

IF STOCK AND PROPERTY MARKETS AREN'T RISKY ENOUGH FOR YOU...

Gambler gets his life back with single spin

A man who risked everything he owned on a single spin of the roulette wheel has left Las Vegas victorious.

Ashley Revell, 32, from Kent, sold all of his possessions to raise cash for the one-off bet.

He raised about £80,000 from car boot sales and auctions before heading for Vegas to put the lot on red.

When the ball finally settled on red 7 he punched the air with delight at the Plaza Hotel and Casino. The result means he pockets around £135,000 rather than returning home empty-handed.

He said: "That was just the most amazing experience I have ever had in my life. The first thing I am going to do is buy some new clothes, some sunglasses, obviously!

"It was just wicked, I mean it was just...I can't describe my feelings going through that. It has just been a complete sort of rollercoaster ride. First it's on, then it's off.

"I just wanted to get the bet over with, and know either way. Obviously, I was feeling lucky, but I just didn't know.

"Really all I am going to do now is chill out, my family are here, my friends are here, so just spend some time with them.

"The main thing I have learned from all this it wasn't really about the money, it's easy for me to say now I have won of course, but it is important my family and my friends were there to back me up; and if they weren't there I wouldn't have risked everything."

He said before the big gamble it was the "purest bet you can do". He added: "I'm not married and I haven't got kids. It's almost like my last chance to go mad. It is just a matter of me saying 'red' or 'black' and that will change the future."

Thursday, April 08, 2004

EASTER WEEKEND

And so a 4 day weekend approaches. Not much planned sadly. I'm currently supposed to be in South Africa on a 2 week holiday but it was cancelled because a colleague resigned, so it was too late to organise any trips in Asia, and the weather at present doesn't lend itself to lying around on a junk in the sun with a cold beer in my hand.

So 4 days just pottering about at home are looming. It sounds dull but on the plus side - it certainly beats being here!

Have fun all.
EXTREME MEDICINE

From the SCMP...

"An elderly man remains in a critical condition after attempting to castrate himself to cure his cold, the Chongqing Commercial News reports. The former butcher and kung fu enthusiast had read in a martial arts novel that the procedure could help cure the disease. He was found unconscious in a room in his daughters house with a bloody fruit knife at his side."

Thank god we had some Panandol Cold and Flu at home over last weekend when I had a cold!
BRING BACK HARBOUR FEST

Attila asked the question yesterday evening, "The 7's was fun. What's the next big event in Hong Kong?" - sadly the answer has to be - "The 7's"

Thanks to all the moaners and whingers last year who thought that the money used to get Harbour Fest up and running would be better spent on things like traffic lights, or the perennial favouite - baby incubators, and all the sniping directed at the American Chamber of Commerce it seems Harbour Fest is destined to be a one-off event.

Sure some of it was a fiasco (the queue for beer at the Stones concert was ridiculous), and maybe there was a little bit of pocket-lining going on, but at least we had a few bands come to Hong Kong and perform who otherwise wouldn't have come, and there was something to talk about and, for a few of us, enjoy. I'm sure if it was repeated, a lot of lessons would have been learnt and things would be done differently. There would be less for the whingers to gripe about.

Making it a regular event would also generate interest from visitors. It could have become another tourist attraction for Hong Kong, bringing tourists and their dollars to the place, generating income and jobs, and so tax revenues and ultimately all those baby incubators everyone worries about on a sustainable and repeatable basis instead of a one-off expenditure.

But no. Everyone had to take the short-term view and have a pot-shot at the government even though they were only trying to help. This small-minded attitude makes me long sometimes for a good Chinese crackdown to shut these gits up and let everyone else get on with whatever they're doing without every Tom, Dick and Harry sticking their nose in. As i said a few days ago - democracy is vastly overrated. What is needed is continuity, and a bit of long-term planning and strategic thinking without interfernce from people who have no idea what they're talking about goes a long way.

So to all the moaners out there - if you didn't want to go all you had to do was not buy a ticket. All the sniping has done is mean that the rest of us who actually thought it was a great idea, enjoyed a couple of good concerts and a few nights out, and would love to see it repeated are going to be disappointed.

Thanks arseholes.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

FINALLY - SOME REAL NEWS

Howard poised to take charge at Leicester

Leicester Tigers are finally getting round to appointing a replacement for Dean Richards. About time too, though to be honest we've had a good run of results since he left so it's great to see that stand-in coach John Wells is also going to be involved.

I hope they can put Tigers back at the top of the tree.
MUD ISLAND

Yet another reason to never go back to Mud Island...

Poison gas attack plot foiled

The headline says it all. The only practical way to my company's office in Canary Wharf is by tube... don't think I'll be rushing back somehow.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

THE BASIC LAW

Surprise surprise. China has decided that is has the final say in Hong Kongs political development and so effectively has a power of veto over any move to universal suffrage.

Given that China brutally and effectively suppresses any dissent or talk of democracy, I don't really think anyone could have expected any other outcome. They can't let democracy get a foothold here as it is bound to lead to discontent on the mainland.

Unfortunately for Beijing they do not control the Hong Kong population, and have no power to lock up dissenters or leaders of oppostion we do still have freedom of extpression and assembly here... for the moment. All this "internpretation" is likely to do is lead to further protests over the coming months, and this years July 1 protest march will probably outdo last years turnout of 500,000.

And as for democracy? Personally, I have to admit I'm not that bothered. At the risk of expounding a slightly contrarian view I'm not entirely sure universal suffrage is such a great idea anyway.

I've never understood why people assume every moron should be able to vote. The debacle in Florida in the last presidential elections in the States proves my point. If people are too stupid to be able to put a mark next to the correct name or make a hole in the right part of the ballot paper then frankly I don't think they should have a say in who leads the country. How can they be expected to make a rational and informed choice about a leader in light of the candidates proposed fiscal policies, budgets, taxes, domestic and foreign policies etc etc when they can't understand a piece of paper with a list of names on it?

I'm afraid the freedoms I mentioned earlier are way more important to me than universal suffrage. I'll be on the street (or more lilkely a plane) when they start to "interpret" those but the democracy thing doesn't get me going I'm afraid.

Friday, April 02, 2004

TAX - IT'S ALL A MATTER OF INTERPRETATION

It's that time of the year again, when the average Hong Kong salaryman has to cough up part II of their annual tax payments. Across the city expats and locals alike are scribbling out large cheques, smudging their signatures with tears at the thouht that the payments are going to support the cringeworthy Tung Chee-Hwa and his grubby little cabal of pro-Beijing legisaltors and land development billionaires who are desperately trying to ensure their side of the bread remains buttered during the current "debate" on democracy.

But perhaps there's a way out of the payment, and a way to strike a blow that will be heard, unlike the efforts of the penniless students.

In keeping with the current trend to "reinterpret" perfectly clear English phrases such as "subsequent to the year 2007" to mean "never" and "such amendments must be made with the endorsement of a two-thirds majority of all the members of the Legco and the consent of the chief executive, and they shall be reported to the NPC Standing Committee for approval." to mean "you'll never get approval and you'll never have democracy so give up now before we send the tanks in", if we all stood together and reinterpreted "your payment of $xxx is due by x April. Late payment will incur an automatic fine" to mean "no need to pay" then that would hit the HK and Beijing Governments in the only place they really hurt - the wallet!

Of course we won't, because when it comes down to it we're all looking after no.1 and if we did refuse to pay then we would at best have our visas revoked and be thrown out of the country and back to our homelands and their lovely 40%+ tax rates, and at worst spend a bit of time in one of Hong Kongs, or even Beijings, correctional institutes, but it's a fine thought.

If only I had principles.
MEGAPHONES (and a bit of civil disturbance)

Last night there was the Hong Kong equivalent of a riot. This consisted of about 20 students, protesting at Beijings decision to poke their noses into the Basic Law again, who broke through a police barrier and stood below Chief Executive Tung Chee-Hwa's office and demanding to talk to him. They then sat down and linked arms, refusing to move.

In Hong Kong this counts as civil disturbance of the highest order, although at least here it is tolerated unlike some chinese-led countries I can think of.

Anyway before the bulk of them did disperse (no doubt to do their homework - this is HK after all and so is one of the few places in the world where students would break up an anti-government protest to study and get some sleep) they were apparently chanting slogans through their megaphones and generally being a bit of a pain.

Clearly both sides are planning for more of the same today. As I came in this morning I walked past the government building and saw several police vans and policemen, looking as menacing as being 5 foot 4 and wearing flourescent green anoraks will allow, and then just down Battery Path walked past a straggle of students, who, having had a good 8 hours sober sleep after finishing their essays, were making their way up the hill for a brief restart to their protests before they all go to lectures, carrying their megaphones and a good warming bowl of congee each.

This got me thinking.

Megaphones. Where do they get them?

Student protests the world over are invariably led by a pimply youth in ill-fitting clothing armed with a megaphone, and yet in all my life I have never ever seen any shop or warehouse anywhere in the world, offering to sell, hire, lease or even give away megaphones. So where do they all come from? Is there some student owned sweatshop somewhere that is churning these things out in secret and distributing them amongst the worlds spotty adolescents so they can make their tremulous little voices heard? we should be told!

Thursday, April 01, 2004

APATHY - PART 2

Have decided it's the weather! I left the UK precisely to avoid the sort of weather we are now having. I used to hibernate in the UK during the winter cos it was so effing miserable, and only weekend ski trips and 6 nations rugby kept me going.

Roll on summer and a good bit of heat and sunshine I say. Lots of the expats and locals here moan about how hot it is in the summer but I love it. And even though it rains a lot it just like having a warm shower - not like that miserable english rain that just makes you slowly get colder and colder. I'll chirp up when either the sun comes out or the mercury hits 30 degrees, in the meantime expect doom and gloom.
KILLINGS IN FALLUJA

This has roused me from my apathy. While I am deeply suspicious of the real reasons for the U.S. invasion of Iraq, and very cycnical about the whole thing being just a way to guarantee a friendly major oil-producer for the States, I also don't think anyone deserves to be killed, cut into small pieces, burnt and then hung from a bridge - especially if they are merely trying to deliver food as appears to have been the case.

It is also quite sickening to see anyone rejoice at this.

So I actually admire the U.S restraint that has been shown. From the coverage on CNN it seems the whole town was involved so it must have been sorely tempting for the Americans to simply block off the roads and massacre every one of the little bastards, preferably with blunt, rusty machetes to save bullets and ensure plenty of pain. In fact the more I see it on CNN the more I am sure if I was in charge I would have given in to such temptation.

Sadly though it does show that the U.S. may have got itself into a bit of a hole. If they clamp down and meet fire with fire, a la Israel, then they will just escalate things (as the Israelis have shown), If they leave (either before or after a new governement is up and running) these people will claim victory and no doubt attempt to take over the country again, if they stay they will be subject to more of these attacks.

Not sure there is an answer to the problem.
APATHY

Not sure why, but I just can't be bothered today. Not that anyone cares I'm sure.