TECHNOLOGY

Finally this weekend I got round to taking our laptop to be sorted out. It has been running slower and slower, constantly jamming up and displaying endless error messages and even though we only really use it for email and as a store for digital photos and MP3 files it had become so bad it had to be fixed.

A friend had recommended a man named Kelvin in 298 Hennessy Rd who had sorted his out so off I trotted on Saturday afternoon once the rain had stopped to drop the machine off.

The machine in question is a 2000 vintage Dell Laptop running Windows 98 - I believe it's the last machine in the world still running this but it has worked fine for us so why change?

"No problem" he said. "I'll wipe everything off the hard drive and re-install your windows and microsoft office plus a couple of other applications (CD Burner etc) and then you simply take it home and reload the other apps (Palm, RealPlayer) and you're done."

Hmmmm - wipe everything? I had burnt the photo and MP3 files to CDs but wasn't confident about either my CD Burner, my CD Burning software, or my own ability to use either of the above, so I persuaded him to transfer all the photo files to his machine and then back afterwards.

"Will take extra 30 mins"

"Fine"

"Ok - 2 maybe 3 hours - i'll call you" (this is at 3.30pm on Saturday)

So off I wander. It's amazing in there. You have no idea how much technology you really really need until you go to somewhere like 298 Hennessy. Bluetooth this, wireless that, latest Palms, mobiles, cameras, etc etc... I had to drag myself away before i bankrupted myself.

3 hours later I've got bored of shopping and headed home. The phone rings. "Hi. This is Kelvin. It will take a lot longer to fix your computer. Lots of virusses"

Whoops. Ah well. Didn't desperately need it anyway. Sunday lunchtime will be fine to get it back.

Sunday at 4.30 the phone finally rings.

"Ok. nearly finished now. just reinstalling applications. What's the serial number for your microsoft office?"

"Serial number? I'm pretty sure the guy who sold it to me didn't mention anything about serial numbers, but then he was looking over his shoulder for the police for most of the transaction"

"Ah. Ok. I'll see what I can do."

10 minutes later the phone rings again.

"Ok - office now installed. Can't find your anti-virus softare."

"My what?"

"Ah. Ok. Now I understand. You need anti-virus software."

"I do? Ok then. Please put some on."

"Ok. I install Norton. It's very good and very reasonable"

Hmmmm. Not sure about this. Am starting to feel like the bloke in the Not The Nine O'Clock News sketch who goes to a Hi-Fi shop to buy a new gramophone. ("I need a new gramopone please. We don't sell gramophones here grandad. What's that then? That's a belt-drive semi-automatic turntable unless I've very much mistaken. What's the difference between that and a gramophone? About 35 years and a plastic cupboard to you chief." - Young readers may like to know that before CD's we had "records" which were played on "turntables" or "record players"). Anyway in for a penny and all that. "Ok. Please install it. I'll be there in 30 minutes to pick it up."

So off I go to collect it.

Kelvin has a pitying look when I arrive. The status of the laptop and our earlier conversation had clearly revealed that my elaborate display of computer knowledge was a total sham and I knew nothing about them at all. It turns out that it was a miracle that my laptop had even been able to switch on. Apparently he had never seen so many virusses on one small machine - in terms of virus per square mega-byte (or whatever the measure is) I may well have owned a world beater.

We had a bit of a chat about what I should and shouldn't be doing with the laptop in future (apparently using it as a coaster for my morning cup of coffee is not a good idea) and other toys you can add to it - bluetooth, DVD burners and the like. Kelvin, very fairly given he could have told (and sold) me anything, advised me not to buy anything for the machine as it probably only had 1 or 2 years useful life left in it anyway before it would have to be replaced and then I could get something with everything built in, and just to leave it as is. Very good of him given I would have bought anything he advised me.

I did somehow end up with a printer though which I wasn't expecting. Not sure how that happened. Fortunately it's a very nice printer. Unfortunately we never print anything. Oh well. A small price to pay compared to just ditching the laptop and buying a a new one which is what I was going to do.

And at least i didn't have slimline salad dressing and a bag on my head when I left. (Again youngsters will have no idea what I am talking about.)