BREAKFAST

There are many things in the world which the English invented, in which we excelled for a while, but then were overtaken by others(usually, and annoyingly, by ex-colonies). Off the top of my head the list would include soccer, cricket, tennis, railways, invading other countries who were peacefully minding their own business and slaughtering the natives, rugby league (though not union - we still rule the world in that - we just had bit of a rough patch for 20 years or so) amongst a whole host of others. But there is one thing which we invented which I would argue is still the best in the world - The English Breakfast.

Now I should say that I like to think of myself as reasonably adventurous on the gastronomic front. I'm not one of those Englishmen who go abroad and then moan they can't get a decent steak and kidney pie. In general I am happy to eat mostly what the locals eat wherever I am. I have eaten whale, seagull, haggis, crocodile, assorted antelope, ostrich, chickens feet, snake, kangaroo, all sorts of odd crustaceans, and I have no problem with people eating dogs, cats, civet cats, porcupines etc if they really want to (in fact living in Hong Kong and regularly eating suspicious looking noodles and curries means I've probably happily shovelled most of those down in ignorant bliss anyway).

But not in the early morning. That is when your system needs some delicate handling before the rigours of the day begin.

The rest of the worlds breakfasts just don't really do the job. The europeans with their smorgasbord of bits of smelly cheese and yoghurt are not even in the running, the americans have tried to hijack the english breakfast and call it their own (a very hollywood trick) but then bastardise it by adding foul things like waffles and maple syrup in the mistaken belief that quantity is more important than quality, the asians just don't get it at all - I mean how anyone can eat that congee muck at any time of the day is beyond me.

No - The English Breakfast is still breakfast perfection. The combinations of eggs & bacon, and toast & marmalade are still unsurpassed.

But I am a creature of habit, especially in the early morning. Mess with my dawn routine at your peril. And I have my preferences in each of the vital ingredients to a successful breakfast, and do not deal well with inferior substitutes. The eggs must to be large, brown and free-range, the bacon must be good thick back bacon with a good rind, the toast must to be made with brown or wholemeal bread, and, vitally, the marmalade must be Frank Coopers Thick Cut Old English marmalade. Fortunately upon arriving here were able to find all these ingredients (not cheaply it has to be said, but a good breakfast is worth paying for), but over the last month tragedy has struck. We ran out of Mr Coopers finest product and despite diligent searching of Olivers, Great, CitySuper and every Park'n'Shop and Wellcome i can find I have been unable to locate any fresh supplies.

So in desperation I have been trying some alternatives. Firstly there was jam, but that's just too weak in the mornings. There's no substance to it. Then my wife wanted me to try marmite, but that is just horrible. So I cracked and decided in a moment of weakness to try other marmalades. Firstly there was some french muck made by someone called Dalfour which advertised itself as a Rhapsodie de Fruits.... marmalade made with oranges, sweetened with grape juice... YUK. More like Rhapsodie de Merde. They should stick to the things they're good at - wine, cheese, forcefeeding geese and annoying the rest of the world by existing. Then I tried Wilkins and Sons "Tawny Orange" marmalade. It looked promising - right colour, right consistency, good big chunks of orange, but the taste... oh what a disappointment. Bland is the only word that adequately describes it.

But finally I think i have found a worthy substitute. Yesterday I stumbled across Chivers Olde English Thick Cut Marmalade. I was initially put off by the nauseating addition of the "e" to Old but it had been nearly a month since a decent bit of toast and marmalade had greeted me in the morning and I was starting to fear i would never taste it again, so I bought it, and tried it this morning. MAG-BLOODY-NIFICENT. Finally the slightly bitter kick is there to go with the colour, consistency and big chunks of marmalade. At last the world makes sense again. On the way in this morning there was a spring in my step, and no amount of heat, humidity, or aimlessly wandering pedestrians could take the smile off my face.

Later I shall be popping out to buy up all remaining supplies of Chivers Marmalade to make sure this blissful state of affairs continues. In the meantime if you see an englishman wandering around with a slightly faraway look in his eye and a slight smile playing over his lips, it's me remembering this mornings first bite...