TECHNOLOGICAL HELP NEEDED PLEASE

I hope everyone had a good christmas, but now I need your help please.

It is time for a new computer. Our Dell laptop is now 4 years old, which I believe makes it stone age in techie world.

Seeing as it has not moved from the table top here for over a year we might as well get one of those box things with a proper keyboard and decent size screen.

I know it needs to have a million USB ports for Palms, MP3's, printers, digital cameras etc etc but that is as much of a decision as I am qualified to make.

So I need some help.

It'll mainly be used for email / internet and storage for photos and MP3s, plus for burning CD's and DVD's.

Can someone who knows abouth these things please give me some advice on what to get.

Do I need bluetooth?
Do I need firwire? (What is firewire??)
Should it have built in CD and/or DVD readers and writers?
Should it have built in SD / Memory Stick readers?
What version of Windows should it run?
Should it have woofers and tweeters?
Should I have a bag on my head?

HELP.....