SPORT

So as it turns out thank god I didn't go to Portugal, New Zealand or Australia for my hols - the displays of the soccer and rugby teams were pathetic.

Firstly soccer...

I did watch the England v Portugal game. By soccer standards it was a very exciting game, but clearly the english press and fans were watching a different game to me. According to them we were robbed because of a dodgy refereeing call and we should have won. In the game I watched Portugal were by far the better team, with England having to defend deep for most of the game and scoring on the break when they could. Also the most anonymous player on the pitch was Beckham. He did nothing of note all game until he blasted that penalty attempt over the bar. How much failure is required to break the myth that he is one of the greatest players of all time? He fcuked up against France, he fcuked up against Portugal, he got sent off years ago in the infamous 1998 World Cup game vs Argentina, he led a team that was unable to beat 10-man Brazil in the 2002 World Cup. He is a goodish player, but I'm afraid the man does not live up to the myth in any way, shape or form.

And good luck Portugal - you won fair and square and our spoilt little brats are on the early plane home again. Good.

And now Rugby...

It was always going to be a tough tour, and I didn't have high hopes, but oh my word.... We were thumped in the first and last games, and have only ourselves to blame after being reduced to 14 men after 10 minutes of the second. The backs lacked organisation, and the forwards lacked control. Like Australia after John Eales retired, we are missing our talisman - bring back Johnno! As for the missing Wilkinson - both Charlie Hodgson and Ollie Barkley looked good - it was further out it went wrong. Without Greenwood the centres lacked a cutting edge, and without Robinson the back 3 were ineffectual. Also, to be fair, it was a backline that had never played together before so are bound to miss a few tackles and make the odd error. At that level those mean points conceded sadly. Still they will all have learnt from the experience and hopefully once a few big names are back we can bounce back.

Lastly tennis...
This isn't really a sport, bit it's wimbledon so it's traditional if you're english to get hyped up about Tim Henman only to be cruelly deflated in the quarter final stages. I actually think I have worked out what his problem is. It's his name. "Tim" is just to nice a name for a sportsman who is supposed to be aggressive and threatening. His name makes you think of a vicar, not a sportsman cruelly crushing opponents. Also - the best tag they could come up with for him is Tiger Tim - hardly scary, especially when you think how well tigers are doing out there in the wild! Anyway, leaving cynicism aside - good luck Tim, but I won't be backing you with any cash if you don't mind.