DOH!

RUGBY
England’s tour of the southern hemispehere seems them play New Zealand this weekend in Dunedin at the infamous “House of Pain”. Next weekend they play them again, this time in Auckland. Then they move on to Australia to face the Wallabies the following Saturday.

CRICKET
Summer in England can only mean one thing – false hopes of a revival of English cricket. England are playing New Zealand at the moment. Then next week the Natwest 1 Day series starts between England, New Zealand and the West Indies.

SOCCER
The worlds 3rd biggest sporting event, the European Soccer Championships, kicks off in Lisbon this weekend, with England facing reigning European champions France on Sunday night.

And I’m on holiday for the next 2 weeks…

So which of these great sporting events am I going to?

None

The delights of a Johannesburg winter with the in-laws await – 14deg max, 4deg min. Guard dogs. Razor wire. Electrified fences. Armed security.....

Memo to self - check the ficture lists next time before agreeing to anything.

Back on the 28th (assuming all of the above does its job). Unlike some sad bloggers I will not be setting up delayed messages and postings to create the illusion of non-stop blogging – you know who you are…. And in case you don’t – I’m talking to you Simon.

Altogether now...

I've Never met A Nice South African - sung by Spitting Image

I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Tinbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yetti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner
But I've never met a nice South African.

No he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising man
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant b***tards
Who hate black people

I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school
I've met a normal merman and a fairly modest German
But I've never met a nice South African.

No he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising man
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers
Who smell like baboons

I've had a close encounter of the twenty-second kind
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind
I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings
I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig
But I've never met a nice South African.

No he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising man
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths
With no sense of humour - ha ha

I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire
At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies
I met a man in Katmandu who claimed to have two willies
I've had a nice pot noodle but I've never had a poodle
And I've never met a nice South African.

No he's never met a nice South African
And that's not bloody surprising man
Because we've never met one either
Except for Breyten Breytenbach and he's emigrated to Paris. (farts)

Yes he's quite a nice South African
And he's hardly ever killed anyone
And he's not smelly at all.
That's why they put him prison.